


Prey vs Predator

by leahgeorgiacastle



Category: Vampire Academy & Related Fandoms, Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Age Difference, Angst, Dimitri Belikov - Freeform, F/M, Grief, Healing, Last sacrifice, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Queen Vasilisa Dragomir, Repressed Memories, Roadtrip, Rose Hathaway - Freeform, Rose Hathaway/Dimitri Belikov - Freeform, St. Vladimir's Academy, Sydney Sage - Freeform, Teaching, Tension, Trauma, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Vampire Academy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leahgeorgiacastle/pseuds/leahgeorgiacastle
Summary: Rose tries to run away from Dimitri and the Motel, into the forest when the trauma from Sibiria catches up with her.Can they find another way back to each other, or will the memories be too much to bear?Set after chapter 6 in LS. I do not own the Vampire Academy series.
Relationships: Dimitri Belikov & Rose Hathaway, Dimitri Belikov/Rose Hathaway
Comments: 62
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I believe that Rose probably would have some trauma left behind from Siberia, and it comes out when she least expects it to.

Knowing Dimitri was just behind me, I didn't allow myself to stop and figure out which way to go. I needed to get far enough so that he would give up, get Sydney, and go back to court without interfering. They were _not_ going to get in trouble for saving me. Especially not Dimitri. I hadn't done all the things I did for him to be saved, for him to waste it all on hiding at the MOTEL. Lissa would understand him. " _Rose ran too fast, she was too good and I couldn't reach her._ " Seemed fair enough.

With a couple of miles behind me and no sound of any followers, I slowed down and tried to locate myself. I found which direction that was north by the stars - the direction I had been running. The mountains were to the east. I didn't know how deep this forest was but I could handle a day or so on foot if needed. Were there any bears in West Virginia? Mountain lions? Hopefully, I didn't have to find out.

The sun had set already, and the little light that was left wasn't going to stay for much longer. The humid air and the quiet sound from owls was the only company I had. 

This part of the forest was much denser and harder to run through without tripping over something. It would also be a lot harder for Dimitri to see me if he would get this far. Maybe he gave up quickly. Maybe he had only been looking for an excuse to get back and not having to chase after me anymore. I tried not to think about the kiss. I had only imagined that Dimitri had kissed me back. Of course he wouldn't have done that. He had been taken off-guard, that's all.

I felt through my pockets to see what I got with me. My stake was still inside of my coat. Tatiana's note was still in my pocket. The spare change I had left could probably buy me a bus ride somewhere. That is, if there was any bus stations within a hundred-mile radius.

A forest like this meant several roots and rocks my feet could easily trip on. I had to look down to make sure I didn't twist an ankle.

Like in Siberia.

My stomach turned as the memory flashed before my eyes. The horrifying image of Dimitri falling down the wooden bridge had been on repeat inside my head the last months. Somehow, the memory of him chasing me before that moment had been deeply suppressed. His taunting words. The way he seemed to enjoy himself in the hunt. My nausea growing increasingly stronger as his footsteps came nearer.

" _Rose!_ "

My mind jumped back to the present. Or did it? I quickly dropped to the ground to keep out of sight and breathed as quietly as possible, but noticed that my breathing only increased with my beating heart- and not from running. Had I heard something? If I did, what did I hear?

He's not here. _He's not here._ I'm safe. I got away.

"Rose! Come on," his voice called again.

My stomach twisted again. I felt like I was going to be sick. Panic flew through me. The nausea. My internal Strigoi-alarm. He was getting closer. I was hidden behind a big tree but knew that I was far from ready for an attack. I had to kill him or he would kill me. _Don't hesitate, Rose._ I didn't want to be turned. Dear God, I didn't want to be turned. I couldn't leave Lissa. She needed me.

I snapped back to reality and forced myself to focus on my surroundings. The trees, the green ground covered in moss, the stars above me. What was going on? I blinked and ran my hands down my face as I leaned my head back on the tree from where I was sitting. At least it had a few low branches. Maybe he wouldn't even see me. 

A sound grew louder and louder. Someone was breathing. I soon realized the noise was coming from me. I wasn't only panting now- I was hyperventilating. My loud gasping for breath would make him find me. No– I forced myself to focus. What was I thinking? Dimitri wasn't Strigoi anymore. I knew that. By why was my body reacting as if I couldn't get any oxygen to my lungs?

I tried to silence my loud breathing by pressing a hand over my mouth. Bad idea. It only made me panic even more. That's what this was, I understood. I was having a panic attack. My hands were shaking like crazy and tears ran down my face. I couldn't start sobbing now. I had to hide. _He's going to awaken you. What if you kill Lissa as a Strigoi?_

"Rose?"

"No, don't!" I yelled at the figure jumping out from behind me.

I tried leaping up to protect myself and fight but failed. I had defended myself against a mob of Strigoi whilst injured, high from bite-endorphins and weak from blood loss. Why didn't my body react? The only move I had managed to do was to grab my stake and point it towards my enemy with my shaking hand.

 _Prey versus predator._ He was going to kill me. What had I done?

He took a step closer. His hands were raised in a defensive way. This was one of his games. I remembered reading that for a slaughter, you had to calm lambs down so they couldn't sense the danger and taint the meat with bad blood. I was the lamb here. He enjoyed this.

"Please. Just kill me, _please_." I sobbed, with my stake still pointed towards him. I would embrace death happily, if it meant I wouldn't be turned.

"Rose?"

I dared to look at him through my tears. This was a pathetic way to die. I always thought it would be in fierce battle. Not weeping against a tree with a stake weakly clenched in my shaking hand. There was no question about me being the prey here. Something about his voice woke me up. It wasn't taunting or amused, the way he had said my name. It had been pained. Scared, even.

Dimitri had taken a few steps back from seeing me cowering under the tree. His hands were raised, palms towards me. He was leaning his body forward to become smaller and less threatening. To keep the animal-theme going, he really looked like he was trying to approach a hurt, scared deer.

I let out another strangled sob through the hand that was covering my mouth. My other hand lowered the stake slightly. I didn't know if I was giving up or if I was just weak.

This was Dimitri. I could see his brown eyes from there filled with pain and confusion. There was no red there. His skin was tanned. This man wasn't going to hurt me – I knew that. But my body was still reacting as if we were re-living the scene from the trees outside the maze in Siberia. Where I attacked him from where I had climbed up with my twisted ankle. 

"Rose." The soft, careful sound of his voice saying my name wrapped around me. It was warm and confused and hurt and scared and _alive_. "What's going on?"

He was as shocked as I was about the situation, if not more. I knew he thought highly of my strength and skills in battle, sometimes maybe even more than I deserved, and to see this absolute mess in front of him was probably the last thing he saw coming. It was clear he didn't know how to handle the situation and I was still fighting with myself over which version of him I had in front of me.

I wanted him to pull me close to him, stroke my hair and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I needed to feel him. 

I was somehow also absolutely certain that if he took one step closer I was going to die.

For a second I wondered if a spirit user like Olena was inside my head and battled it out in my brain but thought against it. This was some weird reaction to the flashback and stress of everything. He deserved to know what was going on, even if I couldn't understand much of it myself.

"The maze," I croaked out between hitched breaths.

The look on his face told me that he knew. He had never needed many words from me to understand what I meant. His mouth fell open with a gasp and his eyes went wide. From the look in his eyes I thought he was going to fall down to his knees and sob as well. There was so much there. Shock, pain, sorrow, helplessness, _guilt_. He let out a breath that looked like he was relieved, but his clenched eyes and the hand covering his mouth told me the air had flown right out of him. A kick to the stomach would be easier.

Everything he had tried to push away by not seeing me, not talking to me, ignoring me, came back now. The very thing he was afraid of – the guilt of what he had done to me and seeing the trauma it caused – coming back to him, just hit him harder than I think any of my kicks or punches could have.

I couldn't stop crying. The situation was absolutely bizarre, but it would have happened in one way or another. He _had_ been Strigoi. He had held me captive. All of it had happened and we were both hurting from it. My stake was now on the ground. My breathing calmed down. He wasn't going to hurt me. I cried now not out of fear, but because of the awful situation we were in. Why had this happened to us?

"Rose," he said carefully, his voice was breaking slightly. I wiped my tears with my sleeve and met his eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I'm here. It's okay."

His voice broke – from his own crying, I realized. I couldn't remember ever having heard it, other than when Lissa saved him. I sniffed and nodded, still wiping my cheeks and chin from the tears that now finally slowed down. I swallowed and took a deep breath that hitched with another sob coming from deep within my chest.

"It's... I'm fine now," I said. "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened."

Dimitri scoffed humorlessly. "I think we do."

He squatted down to come closer to my level. I looked away from his eyes and stared at a couple of leaves on the ground in between us instead.

"I was stupid to think we could go on without talking about what happened. We need to work through it regardless of our relation," he said.

The sobs that shook my entire body as I breathed in were at least quiet now. The panic attack wasn't flooding through me anymore. Seeing him had helped. _Regardless of our relation_. Of course, he had to remind me even now. _Love fades. Mine has._

"No one else understands," I whispered. He was probably right. We had to talk about it.

He slowly reached out a hand and winced when I flinched away first. I quickly came back and put my hand in his, allowing him to pull me out from beneath the tree. I grabbed my stake and avoided his examining gaze as I put it back in place inside my coat, clearing my throat.

He still wasn't moving and I became well aware of how close we were standing.

"Roza," he whispered and I flinched again. His nickname for me was supposed to be said with love. Like when he was annoyed with my sarcasm during practice and rolled his eyes but couldn't help smiling, or whispered in my ear when we made love. This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to make it sound like the most awful word on the planet. As if it hurt him just to say it. By the look on his face, he regretted having used that name as well.

I glanced up at him and stood still as I allowed him to put one arm around me and carefully pull me towards him. I craved his touch so bad. Did he know how much it calmed me to be held by him? The warmth of his embrace filled me and calmed me down further. I bit my lip until I could taste blood to keep my sobs quiet and buried my face in his chest. He smelled like Dimitri, like home. How could I ever confuse the monster in Russia for this man? 

The pit in my stomach ached even more when I knew this could very well be the last time he held me. He was probably regretting doing it already. The darkness of the forest surrounded us like a blanket. What happened in the forest could stay in the forest. I engaged all my scents to remember the memory of him like this, and tried pushing the monster away.

"Come on," he said, releasing me and lightly nudging me in the direction of the MOTEL. "Let's go back and talk."


	2. Chapter 2

Dimitri kept his distance on our walk back to the motel. The inches between us were just enough so that he wouldn't accidentally touch me, but he kept close enough to keep an eye on me. I didn't know if he was scared of me running again or if he worried about my mental state. My panic attack had clearly scared him. I wasn't expecting him to hold my hand or anything but I worried that the small hug was the only physical contact I was getting today. Or ever. I didn't need much, just to feel and remind myself that he was there.

I remembered Avery's vision, which she had compelled me and Lissa to see on the night they had fought. Dimitri and I had been living together, in our own little house, near Lissa and Christian. No matter how real it had seemed, I had been aware that it was only a vision even then. Seeing his tall frame walk in front of me, pulling on branches so that they wouldn't fly in my face, was far from a dream scenario, but at least it was real. At least he was here.

The guy at the front desk of the motel had thankfully not called the authorities, but his boss. They were both watching us as we walked past. I waved apologetically in their direction.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was only..." I began but realized I had no clever excuse for running away and screaming that a man was following me. How did you act like you _weren't_ taken as a hostage?

"My niece got upset over the lack of cable. You know, kids these days. Always watching TV," Dimitri quickly covered and patted my shoulder with a roll of his eyes and a gorgeous smile. If he were moroi, I would've thought he was using compulsion. I glanced up at him with a confused expression that was returned by a tight smile telling me to play along. _Niece?_

Both men seemed to accept that as an excuse and went back to work. Really? That was it? What if I had actually been held hostage, would they have any idea?

"Sit."

Once he had closed the door behind us, Dimitri motioned to the bed with its ugly purple bedspread and I crawled up to lean against the wooden headboard, holding my legs against my body as he locked the door and hung up his duster on a hook. The lamps on each side of the bed created a soft, orange light. Again, he took a seat on the wooden chair in the corner of the room. He didn't know where to start this conversation any more than I did.

"We don't need to do this. I'm perfectly happy to keep my deep dark feelings suppressed," I said, trying to make a bad joke about the situation.

"Clearly, that's not doing it."

"It won't happen again."

"How do you know? How can you tell what will trigger you like that?"

"Just don't..." I hesitated and lowered my voice to where I definitely sounded like a grumpy child. "Don't chase me."

He huffed. "Then don't run away."

"I had to. I can't let you risk everything for this."

"That's a different conversation. You need to talk about what you went through. Have you told Lissa?"

"Some. Not the... worst parts."

He knew what the worst parts were. They were surely the ones that haunted his mind as much as they did mine, but for guilt and not fear. I didn't want to talk about Siberia. I didn't want to remind him of what he had done. It was in the past. It wasn't him doing it. I kept quiet.

"Tell me about it," He said and crossed his legs, waiting for me to tell him some kind of story.

"I don't know what to say."

"From the beginning. You need to talk about it and I need to hear it."

I sighed in defeat. At least I could choose which parts to tell him.

"The beginning," I repeated. Images of his scared expression as the blonde Strigoi, Nathan, had pulled him back into the cave, flashed in front of me. I clenched my eyes shut and forced myself to stop thinking about it. I didn't need to tell him how I had felt in that moment. He knew.

"I left St. Vladimirs at my birthday to go to St. Petersburg. I thought you would go back to your hometown but I forgot what it was called and no one would take me there," I said. Dimitri's eyes were staring at the bedspread but his eyes were unfocused as he nodded slowly and listened intently with his hands tightly clasped in his lap.

"That's where I met Sydney. She had had to clean up after me during my stay and was not happy about it," I smiled slightly as I remembered our first encounter. "Abe was already looking for me and so the Alchemists made her come with me to Baia. We were attacked in a village on our way there and I passed out. Apparently, I had..." I hesitated. I didn't know which parts to leave out now. There was no reason to bring up the dark memories, but what about the romantic ones? The sad ones? Did I really want him to know I had called out for him while passed out? 

"Go on," he said, meeting my eyes with a firm look. I looked away.

"I had said your name in my sleep when Abe drove us to Baia. When I woke up, I saw Olena."

Dimitri let the corners of his mouth lift a bit when he heard his mother's name but didn't say anything.

"I stayed with your family for almost a week. I went out for a walk with Viktoria and when she told me about her cool big brother I couldn't take it anymore. I told them about what had happened. That was my cover, that I had gone to Siberia to tell them the news."

Dimitri's expression changed when he thought of how his family must have reacted when they heard he was dead. I didn't want to get into any details about that.

"The whole village came by for your funeral-ceremony and treated me like a grieving widow. They understood our relationship right away and got me wasted as I told them stories about you."

"Vodka?" He smiled easily. I nodded, shivering from the memory.

"By Easter I met a couple of teenagers who were going Strigoi-hunting in Novosibirsk. We left and I made them hold down the Strigoi so I could interrogate them about you. Those who knew you, we let go with a message. The rest were killed. That went on for about a week until..." I paused to take a breath. "Until you found me."

The room feel eerily quiet after that. Neither of us wanted to have this conversation, but I agreed more and more that we did need to have it. Maybe, by talking about it, he would understand what he did wasn't unforgivable. However, I couldn't bring myself to talk about that. 

'It's not him', was what I told myself every time the tall, pale, red-eyed Strigoi appeared in my nightmares and memories. Still, it had been. I had said 'until _you_ found me'. What was I supposed to do, talk about him in third person? I had managed to keep the Dhampir and the Strigoi as two different people in my mind. This would break that barrier. I bit my lip. I didn't know how to continue. He knew the rest.

"And then?"

I met his sad eyes and shook my head, attempting to shrug. My jaw was trembling. The tightening feeling in my throat told me I was going to start crying again if I had to talk. I had to stop doing that.

"I can't."

He looked like he wanted to urge me on but kept quiet and nodded once. He surprised me by standing up and walking over to the bathroom. He came back with two plastic cups with water and handed me one of them. When he sat down again, he did so at the end of the bed, probably so he didn't have to meet my eyes - not because he wanted to get closer. I was picking on a loose thread from the bedspread as I slowly sipped on the water.

Dimitri stared into space in front of him as if he relived the situation. I didn't like the dark look on his face. This was a bad idea, but maybe he needed to get it off his chest more than I did. I doubted he had sat down with Lissa or Tasha and had a chat about what happened in Novosibirsk. My mind went to Deirdre, my counselor at the academy. She probably didn't have any expertise on trauma from being Strigoi, though.

"I don't remember many moments clearly. The memories are all a blur mixed together. Sometimes an image will flash by and take me back. A lifeless body, bloody innocents, you in-" his voice broke and he clenched his eyes shut. "You in that white dress. Waiting for me to..." He tried to clear his throat. "To..." He didn't continue. Was he on the verge of crying, too?

This had been a bad idea. Neither of us were people who talked about their emotions in order to feel better. Our version of therapy was to fight it out in the gym and share epic moments of sexual tension now and then. 

"We don't have to do this," I said, moving to get off the bed. In typical Rose Hathaway-fashion my plan was to get out of the uncomfortable situation before it got too bad. It wouldn't make him forgive himself, which was all I cared about. "I should probably take a shower." 

"Rose."

Dimitri's way of saying my name with such desperation was enough for me to stop moving and look up at him. Clearly, what he said next was hurting him. His voice was barely a whisper, but it was enough for me to hear him.

"I don't want you to be afraid of me."

My mouth opened to answer that I wasn't, but I closed it again and made myself consider it. I had definitely been scared in the forest, but not because he was doing something frightening.

"I know you won't hurt me." It was all I could say for certain. Even in Siberia, I had known he wasn't going to hurt me. I could see the muscles of his jaw clench and unclench.

"You didn't believe that fifteen minutes ago."

"It's not your fault I had a..." I didn't know what to call it. "Flashback." 

He snorted. "Yes, it is," he said in a dry monotone. I hated when he cut out all emotion from his voice to keep control. I didn't want him to be crying, but at least then I knew it meant something to him.

"When will you stop blaming yourself for what you did when you were turned?"

"Probably when you quit believing I'm a Saint and understand what I did to you is unforgivable."

"When you did _what_ exactly?" I was raising my voice at him now. "I'm still around, Comrade. Whatever happened, I'm clearly fine now."

"You're _not!_ "

I really wished I hadn't flinched when he shouted those words at me. More so, I wished he hadn't noticed. With a look saying that was enough to prove his point, he stood up. 

"It really is impressive how you still treat me like a child."

Maybe not the true force I wanted to achieve but I knew he would stay to defend himself from that one. 

"Don't go there."

"Oh, but I will go there. What's it gonna be– am I an adult, an _equal_ , who can make decisions for myself, or am I a teenager who needs to be taken care of?"

"Rose," he started before I interrupted him. I was pissed now, and with the increasing amount of spirit darkness in me, I wasn't going to hold back. I stood up and moved slowly towards him, a sharp finger pointing towards his chest.

"Don't _Rose_ me. I don't need you to tell me if I'm okay or not. I had one minute of weakness out there. One. You don't get to use that as an argument to feel bad for yourself. If you want to keep living your life by being miserable and obnoxious, this second chance of life, go ahead. If you want to continue kissing the ground in front of Lissa's feet while you whine about how awful you feel, go ahead. I've officially stopped caring now. But I'm gonna make one thing very clear for you– there is a bunch of people out there who sacrificed their career, their reputation, their lives, for _you_ , Dimitri Belikov. I'm not even asking for some fucking gratitude here – I'm asking you to accept this situation for what it is and show me you're worth this, or we all did it for nothing."

I didn't wait for his answer. The look on his face told me he didn't have one. I slammed the door behind me on my way out and marched away from there. He wasn't going to follow me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first thing I'm posting on this platform. I recently re-read the series and couldn't believe Rose didn't suffer more than she did from the trauma afterwards, and I desperately needed her to be angry!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on continuing this story when I wrote the first two chapters, but I got some (incredible) comments letting me know I wasn't the only one who needed them to solve their problems in a better way than they did in the books. 
> 
> Now, I'm not sure this is the best way to solve it either, but I had some problems with how to deal with it myself and wrote this in one evening. Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Oh, and it's a long chapter. Like loooong.
> 
> Happy reading  
> xx

After an hour-long walk in the middle of nowhere, a bit of screaming into the deep dark nothing, and some fierce ranting to an imaginary-Dimitri about how incredibly dumb he was, I returned to the motel. Dimitri put his book in his lap when he heard me enter. He sat on the far side of the bed, his legs under the covers. He didn't usually wear a shirt to bed. Our eyes met for a second longer than they should. His gaze was tired and pissed off, but I noticed a hint of regret there as well. _Good_. 

We didn't say a single word to each other that night or the next morning, and the next day I asked Sydney to get me a room of my own. She didn't ask why but must have thought I had reason enough to need one. We were, after all, going to stay in this hell-hole for quite some time. 

The only words Dimitri and I spoke to each other were the necessary – letting each other know any updates or when we were having dinner. 

I didn't know what to say to him anymore. I was done fighting, done trying, done having my heart broken over and over again. The kiss we shared before I ran away would be our last. The hug in the forest as well. Maybe this would be easier. He wasn't going to come back to me or thank me for what I had done. Our happily ever after wouldn't happen – so why should I keep trying to get into his thick, stubborn skull?

The days blurred together into one big mishmash of walks around the block, grocery runs with a glance over the shoulder every five seconds, and bad movies on the TV. 

One day, he broke the silence and asked if I needed anything from the store. I said no. When he returned, he threw a pair of shorts and two shirts on my bed and left again. The tags were still on. How long had he been driving to reach a Target?

The day after that, he asked me if I had any news from Lissa. I said no. 

A few days later, I woke up in the middle of the night by a strangled noise. The motel walls were paper thin, and I immediately recognized Dimitri's voice. I laid incredibly still, and soon realized he was dreaming. I walked out of my room and banged on his door four times. He was quiet after that. The next morning he mumbled " _Nightmare_ " under his breath. I nodded once.

Other than that: radio silence for more than a week.

"That's it," Sydney said suddenly one night after having finished her hamburger – in the way Sydney finished food by pushing her plate over to me. Dimitri sat on the bed, Sydney and I on the floor in front of the TV in her room, where we usually met to eat together in the evening.

"What?"

"I thought this new silence-thing when the two of you weren't fighting or flirting or both was going to be a nice contrast but it's annoying." She stood up and walked over to her drawer with clothes. To my surprise she pulled out two glass bottles– one with vodka and one with whisky. I stared at her with wide eyes. What was going on? A glance in Dimitri's direction told me he was just as baffled as I was. Sydney stood in front of me and looked down to where I sat on the floor. 

"Choose."

The label on the vodka bottle was in Russian and so without any further questions, I reached an arm out to the bottle of whisky. She gave it to me and pushed the bottle of vodka into Dimitri's hands. Her automatic, robot-like way of carrying herself and dealing with problems didn't quite match with the fact that she just gave us hard liquor. When did she even buy this? 

"We're doing it my way," she said. "This is common ground. I'll be sleeping in Rose's room and I don't want to see either of you until you've talked and solved whatever is going on. Don't break my stuff and act like adults."

With those words, she took my key from the counter and left. The room was filled with silence after the door closed behind her and I leaned over to grab a handful of her fries. I didn't expect us to do anything about it. Sydney was wrong– we didn't need to solve anything. We would just act like two guardians would. Colleagues with an awkward past. Whatever.

"I do want to talk," Dimitri broke the silence. I blinked at him in surprise and confusion. "About... Siberia, and everything else. We have to."

I almost choked on the fries I was eating from Sydney's plate. 

"I'm gonna need this," I said and opened the bottle of whiskey.

This was the last thing I thought Dimitri would agree on. Solving problems with the help of alcohol wasn't his thing, which made me all the more surprised when he unscrewed the cork, raised his bottle in a sort of cheers and took a swig of the liquor. He winced at the taste for a second and coughed.

"How are we doing this?"

I thought about it and shrugged as I got up and sat on the other side of the bed.

"Ask me a question and I'll go next."

"About what?"

"Anything," I said and took a preparatory swig from my bottle as well. There were things I wanted to know and the "tell me everything"- thing didn't work out. Dimitri looked deep in thought for a long time and I rolled my eyes, about to say that it was stupid, just as he opened his mouth to talk.

"Are you scared of me? At all?"

"No." It was the truth. I was scared of many things, but all of them were cold and had a ring around their iris. Dimitri did not. I knew he would ask about that, even though I already answered it last time we talked. His fear of frightening me was more profound than I thought. I hesitated before I asked my question. No matter how annoyed I was, I didn't want to hit a nerve and upset him again.

"Can I ask about when you were...?"

He nodded.

"If I hadn't gotten away, would you have changed me? Or killed me?"

His first answer to that was to put the bottle of vodka to his lips and turn it upside down. He took three big gulps and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Had I seen Dimitri drunk before? Probably not. Could he even get drunk with his Russian genes?

"Yes. Probably not the latter. I knew you were too talented to kill."

My stomach turned. Not because of the love, but because of my battle skills. I remembered the last words we shared before his fall from the bridge.

_"We need to be together."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I want you."_

_"Wrong answer."_

I shuddered a little. Too talented to kill. A pawn in his game. The Strigoi-Dimitri wouldn't say he loved me. Probably not this one either, to be honest. I nodded slowly at his answer, waiting for a question.

"What did you do? To save me?" he asked.

At least my rant about him being ungrateful had reached some part of him.

"That's a long answer."

"A summary is enough."

I sighed. Didn't we already try this? And it ended with me storming out and us not speaking? Still, I wanted him to know. My heart screamed at me to not further his guilt. The rest of me, the part that was still shattered from his refusal to see me or even care, needed him to hurt, to know. 

"Fine. I dropped out of St Vladimir's, flirted with Adrian to use his money, went to Russia, fought several Strigoi, told your family you were dead, went to your funeral, interrogated Strigoi, was locked up and mindfucked for weeks," I didn't need to go into those events deeper into that. "I almost lost Lissa, graduated without my mentor, tried to love someone else while receiving death threat-love letters, I took advantage of Eddie's and Lissa's guilt to break into court security and then Tarasov, let out the man who tortured my best friend from said high-security prison, found his brother and learned about saving Strigoi, lost both the Dashkov-brothers and Eddie's respect by not letting him kill you, had several innocent lives on my conscience because I hesitated, _again_ , was punished for weeks, led an entire strike force into battle whilst being in Lissa's head _and_ yours since I know your strategies, almost had Lissa and Christian and you murdered, saw something I still can't explain and then..." 

I swallowed before my throat would become tight and restrict my voice. "Nothing." It was my turn to turn the bottle upside down and let the bitter liquid flow down my throat. 

Dimitri was quiet and stared in front of himself, at the muted TV. If he was asked, I knew he would know a thing about what was on it. _How was he still quiet?_ He wasn't going to make a comment at all? I only let it upset me for a second before I shot a question back at him. The combination of the alcohol and the anger that filled me from reliving everything that had happened made me bolder in my choice of questions. 

"Do you regret what happened in the cabin?"

We had talked about it afterwards, before going after the Strigoi to their caves. He said he didn't regret it then, but maybe reality had hit him now. If we hadn't made love, maybe it would be easier for him to ignore me. He could jot it down to a school girl crush if he wanted to. 

"I probably should. But no, I don't," he said quietly, not looking at me. He clenched a fist with his nails buried into his palm. This didn't mean he still wanted me, but at least I wasn't delusional. What we once had was real. No one could take that away from me. I wanted to know why he didn't regret it, but I forced myself to be pleased with that answer. I wasn't the only one bolder by alcohol and rage.

"Have you slept with Adrian Ivashkov?"

His words were a bit slurred now, and his accent was more evident. I gaped at him, and wondered if someone had told him about how I had broken up with Adrian before I was thrown in jail. Maybe no one had. It was still an open wound, though. "That's none of your business."

He shrugged as if he didn't care. So he _could_ get drunk. "All questions allowed." Clearly, we were making up this game as we went. I reached for the bottle beside me. I knew I had done the right thing, but it still hurt. I still expected Adrian to show up in my dreams but he never did. 

"I'd rather just drink to that."

"That's not the rules, Rose."

"What are the rules, exactly?"

He thought about it with his eyes trying to focus. "If you lie, you drink until you tell the truth."

I snorted. _Whatever_. 

"No. I haven't."

He leaned closer and squinted, looking into my eyes to see if I lied. His vodka breath was evident in the air between us. I raised my brows in annoyance. He seemed to accept my answer and leaned back again. 

"Do you... Did you ever..." I groaned. I didn't know how to ask the question that got stuck on my tongue. He could be angry. Still, he had asked about my sex life. Why did I care?

"Since when do you not let your mouth run without thinking?" He looked at me now. I hated that his Russian accent became sexier when he was tipsy. Or was it sexier because _I_ was tipsy? I couldn't tell.

"Fine. Don't get angry." I sighed. "Is there any part of you that... Miss it? You were so convinced about how much greater that life was and how the power was incredible. Did that go away? Or do you remember the feeling of power? The rush? The high?"

"Do I miss being a soulless monster?"

I only glared at him. Drunk Dimitri was pretty rude. He knew that wasn't what I asked, but wanted me to feel bad about my question. Of course I wondered if he missed it – he had tried to convince me about letting him turn me for weeks. The Ozeras had turned on their own free will. We didn't know how a Dhampir would feel after having been Strigoi. What if a part of Dimitri wanted to go back? He didn't ask to be turned by Lissa.

"I don't miss it," he said clearly. "I do remember the feeling of power but that was the only feeling there was. No happiness, no love, no sorrow, no empathy, no anger except for bloody rage. I remember feeling incredible, feeling like a god. Doesn't mean I want to ever have to re-live it, though."

"Well, next time I know where to find you so it'll be a lot faster," I said. As I said it, I realized how stupid the comment was and regretted it. To my surprise, Dimitri laughed. 

"And where would I find you? Nearest McDonalds?"

The fact that Strigoi didn't even eat made it even more absurd. I shrugged. "Probably lurking around outside the Academy's wards, fighting anyone coming near Lissa even then."

He smiled a little. "I wouldn't be surprised." I smiled back.

"Your turn."

"How did you break into Tarasov?" His eyes narrowed, as if he was ready to catch me lying.

"A lot of Spirit-magic and a few surprise attacks. It wasn't that difficult, really," I said simply. He sighed.

"They could've killed you."

"Yes, well." I made a face that said _what's done is done_. He snorted and shook his head like he did before everything happened, with a smile hinting in the corners of his mouth when I said something I shouldn't. A comfortable silence filled the room. We probably could have ended it there, having reached a point where the angry tension between us was faded. There were still questions around us, though, and I didn't know when else I would get them answered.

"Have you contacted your family?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I started writing a letter but... What do you say? Would they even believe it, or would they think I was lying and threatening them as a Strigoi?"

"Yeva would know. Mark and Oksana has heard about it."

"Maybe," he said. He bit down on a lip and his jaw seemed to tremble for a second. I decided to let go of the subject before he got too upset, but made a mental note to help him with contacting them later.

"How were your trials?" He asked.

"Weird. It shouldn't have been my mother wishing me good luck before they started," I said. Of course, he couldn't help having missed them, but I still wished I could somehow go back and do them again the way I had pictured it, with him cheering me on and hugging me when I finished, maybe sneaking in a kiss to my cheek when nobody was watching. Maybe he would've been one of the guardians acting as Strigoi in the stadium, winking at me with a smirk before engaging in another one of our famous sparring battles.

"I did wish you good luck," he said. My eyes snapped up to meet his. _Seriously?_ It was clear he regretted saying it as soon as the words left his lips.

"Yes, followed by ' _there is no place in this world you can hide from me.'_ Exactly what I had in mind when I imagined it," I said. I was angry again. That was the most stupid thing he could've said. 

"Sorry. Didn't think it through." He put the bottle in his hand on the nightstand beside him, as if to tell us both he had had enough. I rolled my eyes. He kept going. "How were they though? What did you do? Who did you fight? What were your scores?"

Maybe I wasn't the only one who was sad we hadn't shared the experience with each other. I desperately wanted to see that proud look in his eyes. 

"Daniel, a new guardian, acted as my Moroi. Except for the usual attacks, we were crossing a rope bridge at one point and they had 'Strigoi'–" I marked the word with quotation marks in the air with my fingers, as if I needed to clarify that part. "–reaching us from both sides. I made Daniel hold on to the ropes and cut them off, then I staked the ones that were still hanging on, Randall, I think. I don't really remember the rest. I fought until there was no one left and then people were clapping and that was it." I shrugged. When I dared to look at him, my heart filled with relief and took a leap of joy. He was proud. His tight lipped-smile showed that he wasn't really surprised, but his eyes gave me everything I needed. _He was proud._

"Best score of the class?"

"Of course." 

"I think I can take some of the credit."

"You weren't there. _Drink,_ " I said. The comment made me sad again, thinking about our lessons together. He looked at me through small eyes. His lids seemed to become heavier as he got drunker. 

"Why?"

"New rule. If you're rude, you drink." 

Dimitri shook his head at me and reached for his bottle again, taking a small sip and scrunching his nose from the taste. 

"Are you trying to get me drunk, Guardian Hathaway?" He put the bottle back and reached for a glass of water he had on his nightstand. My heart clenched at his usage of my professional title.

"Just a little," I said. It wasn't a lie. I had questions I didn't want him to remember me asking. "Did you sleep with someone in Siberia?" I blurted out. He coughed on the water dramatically.

"What?"

"All questions allowed," I repeated his earlier words. 

"You can't be serious," he groaned and looked to the ceiling, as if someone up there would help him.

"You asked about Adrian," I defended myself. 

"Rose, between murdering people and obsessing over you, when do you think I would have made time for sex? And with whom?"

"I don't know," I said, much like a grumpy child. "It's just a question." Even if Dimitri hadn't technically been Dimitri then, I still wanted to know if his hands had touched someone else's body as soft as they used to touch me, or if his lips had kissed someone else's.

"The answer's no, and you drink to that."

"Why?" I was still defensive. He leaned on one elbow to reach over and grab my bottle, pushing it into my hands.

"Stupid question. Drink." Clearly, my question hadn't amused him. I rolled my eyes and drank, putting the bottle on the bed beside me, by the end of the bed. He kept going. "What are your nightmares about?" I covered my surprise. He was really trying to hurt himself now.

"Why do you think I have nightmares?"

"Thin walls."

I sighed. Again, I had to decide if I wanted him to know everything and overthink it, or hit him with a half-lie. 

"Nothing in particular. I think the stress makes it worse. Ghosts, Strigoi, losing Lissa, that kind of thing," I said, looking up at the ceiling from where I laid. 

"Rose."

Our eyes met for several seconds. His face was unreadable. Then, he nodded his head to the end of the bed and let his eyes fall on my bottle before looking at me again and lifting one eyebrow. _Fine_. I used a hand to push away from the bed and raise my upper body enough to let me drink without spilling. 

"The moment he, Nathan, pulled you into the cave," I said. I didn't even believe it myself and I knew he wouldn't buy it. That was a memory, not something I woke up screaming and sweating for. Without looking at him, I sighed and took another sip. _Whatever._ I was drunk enough to stop caring now.

"You wanna know what I have nightmares of?" I looked him dead in the eye. "I dream of you. I have wonderful dreams about moments with you, most often in the cabin, and just as we kiss you pull back and your eyes are red and your skin is white." My stomach turned just as I admitted it and felt like my body became filled with ice running through my veins. Dimitri's eyes zoned out again and his face was hard. I leaned back on the bed and closed my eyes. After a moment of silence he talked again.

"You said you weren't scared," he said quietly. He had never before sounded more Russian than he did then. 

"I'm not scared of you. I'm scared you'll turn and leave me again." Before he could say anything that would hurt about how he wasn't _with_ me, I quickly added, "You know what I mean. I was just coming up above the surface to fucking _breathe_ and then I'm back under again – but this time it's by your choice and I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of your guilt." I wouldn't have been able to say it if I looked at him. It just came running out of my mouth. The words craved to be spoken.

"Yeah," he whispered. I furrowed my brows in confusion and looked at the ceiling for another moment, then I heard a sharp inhale and wondered why he didn't say anything. I looked up at him and my heart broke.

His large hand was covering his mouth and nose tightly. He clenched his eyes shut but I could still see the tears fall down his cheeks and how desperately he tried to keep his body from shaking. I let out a small gasp and he folded his long legs in front of himself, curling up where he sat as if he tried to protect himself. I sat up quickly and stared at him. I didn't know what to do. Dimitri was crying. _Dimitri was crying_. 

My natural instincts told me to crawl up and hold him close to me, but I didn't dare to. If he pulled away or flinched it would hurt too much. _This isn't about you,_ I told myself. Trying to comfort him in some way, I leaned closer and put my hand over where his free one was clenching on to the bedspread next to his hip. He didn't flinch away. 

He cleared his throat and took one forced breath, then he turned his hand over to grab mine and pulled me to him. I yelped when he tugged my arm but quickly settled where I fell into his arms. I wasn't going to question this. He buried his face in my hair and held his arms around my upper body tight, as if I was going to flee otherwise. My body relaxed in his arms, almost laying on top of his chest. There was a part of me that wanted to question this, or tell him that colleagues didn't hold each other this way. I decided to blame it on the alcohol and push the doubts away.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled into my hair. "I'm so sorry."

Now, it was my turn to have silent tears run down my cheeks, making wet stains on his gray t-shirt. My hand travelled up and held on to his shoulder as if he was the only thing keeping me from drowning. In a way, maybe he was.

"It's okay," I said. My eyes were clenched shut. In that moment, I didn't care he wasn't with me. I didn't care he said his love had faded. I loved him no matter what relation we would have, and we had to work all of it out before we could have a happily ever after – if we ever would. 

It was too much to handle any better than I did. The alcohol in our systems, everything he had said, his strong arms around my body, his smell, his hand stroking my hair – more to calm himself down than me – and his constant whispered mantra, sounding like a prayer against my hair.

_I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry._

I could feel his lips move as he whispered against the top of my head. I leaned back to look at him and he moved his hand to my cheek.

"For what?"

"For leaving you," he said and sniffed. His voice was weak and on the edge of breaking. "For hurting you. For making you live with the consequences of my guilt. For not seeing what you did – I knew it would be easier if I didn't know. I didn't know how to handle it, I still don't. I can't want you and hate myself like this. I'm sorry I don't know what to do."

He was ranting in panic now and I couldn't hear him breathe in between words. I leaned back a little more and put my hand on the one he had on my cheek, letting our hands fall to his lap. I don't think he even realized he was touching my face. 

"Hey," I said gently. His brown eyes didn't leave mine. His lips were formed into a pout I would've found adorable if it wasn't for the sad situation. "Stop hurting yourself."

He sniffed and cleared his throat, leaning back to gain control again. _Typical_. 

"You'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Look, we're drunk and emotional and tired and locked up in an ugly motel," I said. He let out a little snorted laughter. "I appreciate the apology. And I'm sorry I put all of my anger on you like that. It'll be okay," I said, comforting him. He nodded a little.

I let go of his hand and moved to lean against the bed frame, next to him. We would fix this. All I needed was for him to let me in. To understand. To apologize. He calmed down soon, and turned his head in my direction without looking at me, whispering: 

"Tell me about Baia."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, maybe alcohol isn't the best solution either, but I couldn't picture them having this conversation on their own without some persuasion. Also, byebye Adrian-mess. I love him but that relationship ain't it.
> 
> Thank you a million times for your kind comments and kudos and everything. I couldn't get a better welcome to this platform and I hope you're not too disappointed with me for getting Dimka drunk <3


	4. Chapter 4

Once we got back to Court and cleared my name, every routine came naturally, as if this had been my life forever. 

My morning routine from St. Vladimir's, that consisted of running with Dimitri, started without us even talking about it. We met every morning and ran until we couldn't feel our legs or lungs anymore. Falling back into old, familiar habits was comforting. I craved his company to remind myself that he was still there and I believed he had missed me as well, but there was only so much we could do to hang out without creating a tension we weren't ready to handle yet. 

When we had been on the road, looking for answers, it wasn't too difficult to push our feelings away. Now that we were living ordinary lives, or as ordinary as our lives could become as the Queen's best friend and a former Strigoi, earlier emotions were slowly coming back. Mine had never really left, and in the way he looked at me, laughed with me and trusted me as I trusted him, I could bet he wasn't far away either. 

We just had to jump off the cliff and admit what was going on. So far, that hadn't happened.

The situation in its whole was still difficult to wrap my head around. Lissa was Queen, Tasha was in prison, I was in Lissa's royal guard and Dimitri and I were almost acting as before, but also not at all. We talked about Siberia every now and then, when we knew no one else but the other would understand, but we didn't talk about _us_. I was terrified I would lose him if something romantic happened, and having him as a friend was a million times better than not having him at all. 

I helped him write a letter and we soon got the answer from his family, confirming my theory about Yeva already knowing Dimitri was back. We had called them when we got back to Court. The look in his eyes when they gushed about how we could finally be together again was permanently fixed into my brain. He had muttered " _yeah, absolutely_ ", and changed the subject before hanging up. We didn't talk about it. I told myself I didn't need to talk about it. Not yet.

"Last one to the statue buys breakfast," I said and sprinted to the statue of an old king on the hill in front of us. I got a head start since he wasn't ready, but Dimitri's amused chuckle told me he didn't find it much of a challenge. The sun was setting over the Court that morning, and the sky was beautifully orange and pink behind the statue.

When Dimitri closed up on me with his long legs I tried to tackle him out of the way, and he responded by laughing and pulling me by the waist when I only had inches left to the statue. He wrestled me to the side, reaching his arm up in our fall to the grass and tapped his hand on the statue before hitting the ground next to me. We didn't get up from the grass immediately. My lungs were too busy catching my breath in between the laughter. 

"I didn't say _what_ breakfast," I said as I allowed him to pull me up from the ground. His hand grabbed my wrist instead of my hand as he helped me up. He rolled his eyes at me just as we got company. 

"I could hear you panting from across Court. How long have you been running for?" Lissa asked when she approached us with an amused smile and three guardians behind her – my colleagues. Her blonde hair that wasn't shaded by the umbrella in her hands was golden in the sunset light.

"We'll be on a plane for hours, Liss. I need to release some energy," I said with my hands behind my head to give my lungs more room for some well needed oxygen. 

Dimitri excused himself to his room to get ready for the flight and I fell into Lissa's pace. 

"Release energy or pheromones?" She mumbled with a knowing look as I wiped the sweat of my forehead with the back of my hand. I wasn't on duty, but her near guard took a step back, knowing I could take her place for a minute, and gave us some space to talk. 

I didn't answer Lissa more than by sending a look to tell her to stop being ridiculous. 

"Oh please," she said. "Everyone thinks you're together already. Just seeing you run together is as cute and romantic as watching other couples make out."

"We're gonna talk about witnessing PDA?" 

She huffed. "You know what I mean."

I shrugged. "I don't know, Liss," I said. I wasn't joking anymore now. I had been thinking about it a lot the last few days, and had gotten zero sleep that night because I was thinking about the visit to St. Vladimir's that day. "I'm not sure he's ready. I'm not sure _I'm_ ready. There's too much history. Too much at stake."

"You won't lose him again, you know."

"But what if I do? What if I mess up? What if it's not at all like last time?" I said. Lissa and I had already talked about this several times, and my fears were always the same ones. "And I _will_ lose him. We're guardians. The chances of both of us living long enough to grow old together are slim. Maybe we should just... Stay like this." 

I didn't like overthinking our relationship like this, but it was the truth. Even if he ever wanted to truly be with me again, maybe this was actually for the best no matter how empty and lonely it made me feel. 

Lissa didn't say anything. Maybe she was feeling guilty because she was reminded of how I constantly risk my life for hers. Maybe she realized I was right. There _was_ a lot to be scared of, and in the choice between having Dimitri in my life at all versus taking a leap and risk everything, I would go with the safe choice. Maybe Rose from last year wouldn't, but I had grown up quite a bit since then. 

The flight to St. Vladimir's felt quicker than usual. Dimitri placed a muffin and an apple on my table as he walked past me to a seat across the aisle. We had the entire private jet to ourselves. No teachers, no guardians, no moroi. Sitting next to each other with all that space would mean something. Earlier, I would have fantasized about all the forbidden things we could do in the plane's cabin or toilet. Not that I didn't think about it now– I just tried harder to stop.

"I thought I was getting the breakfast." 

He shrugged. "I cheated."

"I'm impressed you can admit it, Comrade. That takes guts," I said and took a bite of the apple, throwing my legs up to the seat next to me. 

A week earlier, Alberta had visited Court to congratulate Lissa's victory as Queen and had a request for Dimitri and I. Just like my mom had done my last year at the Academy, they wanted us to talk to some novice classes about our fights and come by as guest–instructors with our own training program for a few days. 

The guardian captain, and woman who had been my mentor for the weeks before my trials, was waiting for us when we exited the plane in the dark vampire-afternoon. I slung my duffel bag over my shoulder and followed Dimitri down the steps.

"Guardian Petrov," Dimitri greeted her. 

"Belikov. Hathaway. It's nice to see you," Alberta said with a smile. A warm feeling spread through me. Even though we weren't that close and she was an ice-cold badass, she had been a sort of extra maternal figure to me for most of my life. I restrained myself from giving her a hug. Like she had done at Court, she eyed Dimitri for an extra second, in search for something different, but didn't find anything. She turned on her heel and expected us to follow. 

"We have a late after-school training in one hour with Moroi students interested in practicing combat fighting. I was hoping you'd join them to observe and give them some advice," she said over her shoulder. Her quick pace had brought us to the guest quarters quicker than I thought possible. I didn't expect to be staying at my old dorm, but it felt strange to enter the guest halls. She nodded to the woman at the front desk who handed her a key.

"Tomorrow we have two theory classes where you'll speak, one in the morning and one after lunch. Then you'll have the class to yourselves in the afternoon in the gym as well as the next morning before you go back. Questions?" She held out the key to us. 

"There's one key," I said, not actually paying attention to what she was saying, but rather trusting Dimitri to tell me where I needed to go and when during our stay. Alberta snorted as I took the key from her.

"It's not like you two need to keep hiding just because you're back here," she said. I opened my mouth but closed it again. I didn't know how to ask without making it incredibly awkward or feeling like a bother. Dimitri kept quiet as well.

She led us to the room and told us the time and place for the combat lesson. Once the door closed, I cleared my throat. 

"So..." I started. I tried to ignore the feeling that grew in my chest when I looked at the bed, and I wouldn't even acknowledge to myself what I felt. 

"Don't worry about it," Dimitri said curtly. "I'll talk to the woman at the desk after class."

"Great," I said, letting my bag fall to the floor and threw myself on the bed to try it out. I had a feeling the comfortable, friendly energy we had going on was going to have a hard time staying natural in all this. 

The guardians here thought we were together. Probably the students, too. We would be talking about our battles and fights in the classrooms where I used to sneak glances over my shoulder at him standing against the back wall. We were going to teach classes tomorrow, and the exercises we had planned required a bit of instruction and us showing them first. _Why did we include an exercise where you'd pin each other to the floor?_ How were we going to explain to all those people here that actually, no, we're not in a relationship? We were going to have to endure people's innuendos and assumptions for two days.

I was starting to feel slightly suffocating, and so I got up from the bed again. I had been sitting for long enough. 

"I'm taking a walk," I muttered, and walked out before Dimitri could answer. 

To be absolutely honest, I don't know how or why I ended up at the cabin. I guess it somehow called me, like an old friend asking me to visit. As soon as I saw it between the trees, I knew it was a bad idea. The lights were out, as usual, but something inside me burned. 

I had gotten so good at ignoring every emotion. Almost nothing Dimitri did or said could affect me. The feeling of someone twisting a dagger in my abdomen every time I was reminded of our love had become so common it felt like a mosquito-bite when he accidentally touched me, or accidentally called me by the Russian nickname he gave me. _It wasn't that bad_.

I truly didn't know why my legs brought me to the cabin. I also didn't know why I was so angry. I didn't know where I found the rock, or how it went flying through a glass window to land on the floor by the bed. With shaking hands, I smoothed out my clothes, cleared my throat, stood up straight and walked away. _It's not that bad._

Dimitri was already in the gym when I arrived. Thankfully, so were a couple of students and guardians. My old teacher Stan laughed like he couldn't believe it when I entered. I nodded to him and Emil who waved from where he was talking to Dimitri. I was so happy the Academy allowed Moroi to learn how to fight already, and even set aside the gym and guardians for it. A guy in the last year produced a ball of fire in his outreached hand, and his friend tried to throw a ball of water from a distance and put it out. 

There was a second chair beside the one Dimitri sat in, which looked weird since he was the one who sat and observed and I was the one who practiced punches and kicks. I wasn't going to sit in that chair. Instead, I crossed my arms in front of my chest and leaned against a wall as the class started. It was a sort of extracurricular, since no one could make the students take this class, but they didn't seem any less focused for that. 

I listened to Stan explain what they were doing for the hour. Getting out of grips and restraints. "Oh, and whoever takes down Hathaway gets an A. Start running."

Dimitri laughed at that. I bit my lip and tried not to smile when the Moroi students glanced over at me with wide eyes before they ran around the gym as a warm up. They didn't even get grades for this class.

"Rose, show them what I'm talking about," Stan called on me from in the middle of the gym. The students were circling him and listened carefully as he talked. He was explaining how to get out of a grip when you're smaller than the opponent, and Emil was the same height as him. 

"It's Guardian Hathaway to you, _Stan_ ," I said back, but walked into the circle with an amused smile as I gathered my hair and put it up in a ponytail. Maybe being back at the Academy was a good idea. I felt at home in this gym.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get cocky just because they gave you a title."

"I strongly remember kicking your ass in the trials to get said title. Want a rematch?"

He rolled his eyes and the students snickered around us as Stan slowly and instructionally grabbed on to the collar of my shirt and spun me around slowly so my back was against him as his arm went around my neck. Thus far, his grip was loose and his movements so slow I had to fake being dragged around to let the students see how we moved. 

"Let's see how Guardian Hathaway gets out of this one," he said behind me and quickly tensed his grip enough to restrain me, but not enough to actually restrict my breathing. For a second, my eyes met Dimitri's from where he sat in his chair. He was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, eyes narrowing, and a small smile hinting on his lips. He enjoyed watching me fight. 

For the sake of instructing, I tried to move to the sides or hit Stan behind me, which I knew wouldn't work but would let them see how restrained I actually was. I grabbed on to his arm, bended my knees with all my weight behind it and spun my body to the side, forcing him to follow. I dragged my leg behind his and pulled forward, making him fall on his back by my feet. I didn't think I needed to demonstrate more than that, so I leaned down to pull Stan back up and waited nicely for him to start another stunt. Instead, Emil spoke up behind us. 

"Show them a bigger height difference, too." He looked at the students who stared at us. "Y'all are pretty tall but the enemy could be bigger and heavier, and you'll need to use that to your advantage." He looked past where I was standing. "Belikov, get over here."

Of course. I could tell by the two guardians' knowing smirks and the whispers from the group of students that they thought it was funny to make us fight, now that they and everyone knew about our 'relationship'. It didn't feel like a good time to mention there wasn't one anymore. 

The fact that Dimitri and I hadn't actually sparred since we were both at the Academy made the scene even more uncomfortable. We had practiced punches and kicks a few times since coming back to the Court, but sparring with grips and wrestling was a different thing. I had told myself it would bring back traumatic memories from Siberia, but that wasn't true. The real problem was the animalistic fighting, bodies pressed together, accidental touching, and all together the electric energy of being in such close proximity with someone you desperately want. Sparring had led to some of our most tension-filled moments in the past, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do it with an audience now. 

Apparently, Dimitri didn't have a problem with it, since he had gotten out of his chair and moved towards me. I swallowed hard and put my hands on my hips. He looked straight at me as he walked slowly and neither of us looked away on his way to stand towering above me. Stan was saying something, as if he could see the bolts of electricity flying between Dimitri and I. _Why didn't he look away?_

"Look here, with Guardian Belikov being too tall for Hathaway to step past as she did before–" Stan waited until Dimitri grabbed on to my shirt similar to how Stan did but with an actual grip around the fabric. He could pull me in any direction he wanted, and not the way an instructor like Stan would touch his former student in a teaching matter. The difference was in how Stan grabbed the fabric of my shirt, but Dimitri held on to the hem of my collar, where his fingertips touched my skin. A teacher or peer student would make the movements automatically. Dimitri and I were all emotion, instinct and anticipation of each other's moves. 

The students had seen the movements of the stunt now, and Dimitri spun me around quickly, making my back slam hard into his toned body. I could feel the muscles of his chest against my shoulder blades. His hand slid across my upper chest, his arm was around my neck, and tensed. His fingers reached all the way around to the very back of my neck by my hairline, and I felt a touch on the skin there. I froze– not because he flexed his arm around my neck, but because his thumb was stroking my neck, hidden by my hair, where no one could see. My breathing hitched.

"–she'll have to get around him in another way," Stan said just as I started moving. I pushed back against Dimitri before lunging forward in a flip. I threw him over my shoulder and landed on top of him where he landed on his back on the ground with a loud blow. To show the class I had the upper hand, my hand quickly flew up to his throat without actually putting any force in my grip. There was a possibility I had thrown him a little harder than I needed to, but he could take it. _Just like old times_ , when we fought with a mixture of rage because of what we couldn't have and softness because of what we wanted.

Then, there it was again. The pride in his eyes. My heart swelled and I imitated his earlier soft move by letting my hand 'accidentally' stroke against his cheek on my way up to a standing position. His eyes darkened a shade and I looked away before my mind would run away from the look of him on the ground beneath me. 

_It's not that bad._

"Who wants to try?"

Moroi students who were raised with the promise that someone else would fight their battles for them weren't the toughest opponents, but since it was easier for them to understand the motions with me to begin with than the taller and larger men, I sparred against most of them. Teaching came natural to me and the fighting took my mind of things such as the set of eyes that was observing me.

When we walked back to the guest hall the first light started showing on the sky. I walked up to the room with the key in my hand and kept walking as Dimitri stopped in the lobby to ask for another room.

I went straight to the shower, which was much nicer than my old one used to be. When I walked out of the stream I heard a knock on the door and how someone entered the room. I froze and listened to who it was.

"Rose? It's just me," Dimitri called from the larger room. I relaxed a little. He was probably getting his bags. "They didn't have any rooms available tonight. They're rebuilding the other hall and don't have any empty ones here."

I put a towel around me to cover up and got out of the steaming bathroom.

"No empty ones at all?" I asked, strolling past him to get clothes from my bag by the bed. He seemed stunned by my appearance, but I was pissed that he was looking for another room, even though I understood why, and so I didn't care how he felt about my undressed body. At least I covered up.

"No. She, uhm, said something about... Visits."

"Okay."

"But I'll just... Take the couch."

"Why?" I said. This scared behavior was getting on my nerves. He could at least act normal about it. We had shared a bed before returning to Court. What was the problem now? He was looking at the wall to keep his eyes away from me.

"It's better."

"Don't be stupid," I said, more hurt than I expected, and took my clothes with me to get dressed in the bathroom.

_It's not that bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to finish what I started and somehow finish their storyline in a somehow more realistic and healthy way. We'll see where it takes us! Thank you so so much for your kind words xx


	5. Chapter 5

Dimitri and I walked from breakfast to the class together that next morning. The grass was wet from the rain that had been pouring down all night. I was thankful for the fresh air that filled my lungs the day after a heavy rainfall, and thankful because Dimitri was friendly today despite having been forced to sleep in the same bed as I.

In the style of the last couple of months: we hadn't talked about it. Not about me breaking a window, not about him softly stroking my neck in the gym, not about how I threw him to the ground too hard, not about how our limbs had innocently touched that night as if we allowed ourselves just one night to feel the warmth of the other person against your skin before we put the lid back on and went back to acting as if we didn't need each other like that again.

"What are you going to tell them about?" I asked. I wouldn't admit that I was nervous, but I wasn't enjoying the situation I was about to encounter.

"An attack that took place before I came to St. Vladimir's. I think they have a lot to learn from the strategy we used and how to use the materials you have on hand. You?"

"I sort of haven't... Really thought of it."

"Rose," Dimitri's voice was annoyed but not surprised.

"No, I mean, I have thought of it. I just haven't decided. I don't know if I have anything to say that won't be difficult to talk about."

"Go on."

"I still can't talk about Spokane without wanting to throw up. They already know everything about the attack on the school. I can't talk about St Petersburg, or the rest of Siberia, or about Sonya," I said, thinking back on what fights I had been in. 

"You do talk about Spokane. And Siberia," he said lowering his voice as a group of students walked past us.

"Yes, with _you_."

"What about the warehouse with Lissa and Christian? You led an army into the first real battle you entered as a guardian, that's impressive. And a good story."

I stopped walking.

"Are you serious? They'll now it was you who kidnapped them."

"Yes." His voice was firm. "They'll ask about me being Strigoi anyway. Tell that story."

The students were already in their seats as we walked through the door to the classroom. The feeling to have them all turn and stare gave me a rush, even though the thought of an audience listening to what I was going to say made me anxious. We stood beside each other in front of the teacher's desk. I leaned my lower back on it and stood with my hands clasped together in front of me, trying to melt into my surroundings as much as possible.

Dimitri went first. His story about when he and Ivan was visiting Ivan's cousins had the classroom so quiet you could hear a pin drop. That Zeklos family had a total of four guardians, with one of them off duty. A group of Strigoi had ambushed them when they were on their way home from a dinner party. Dimitri had fought two Strigoi single-handedly and followed one more who had kidnapped the youngest Zeklos-son. There was something about an iron pipe and being one step ahead your enemy thanks to excellent communication as well, but I wasn't really listening to the details. Even when he tried to tone it down and be humble, he sounded like a complete badass.

He didn't even ask if there were any questions before several hands were waving in the air.

"Are you fighting differently now that you know how a Strigoi thinks?"

A low murmur fell around the room. Alberta and Emil, who stood in the back of the room, looked visibly distressed. I stared in disbelief on the blonde boy who definitely had an ass-whooping to look forward to in his class later.

"No," He answered firmly. "If you don't know how Strigoi think when you graduate you're not ready to fight one. They'll kill you. They'll kill your Moroi. That's all it is to it." Dimitri didn't seem surprised by the question, just a bit irritated, as if he expected the questions to at least be good.

"Do you remember everything from being a Strigoi or is it a blur after you were turned back?"

And so it went on. He would have answered all of their questions. The determination in his eyes almost knocked me out. He wasn't going to show he was annoyed or angry, or that his trauma was suffocating him. Who was he trying to prove himself to?

"Have you killed more Strigoi than humans?"

Again, the room fell utterly quiet. The hands in the air slowly sunk down. They had taken it too far. The look in Dimitri's eyes wasn't as hard anymore. He blinked quickly and stuttered. His hand that was resting on the desk between us now clenched around the wooden edge.

"I– I'm not..."

On instinct, my hand moved to his. His grip of the desk under my hand softened. Dimitri looked at me stunned as if he had forgotten I was standing right beside him. There was no determination or anger in his eyes. He was afraid. My voice spread over the room.

"Thank you," I interrupted and stared at the guy who asked the question– the same blonde idiot who asked the first one. "For that display of imbecility, we've heard quite enough from you now," I said to him. He gestured and opened his mouth to start talking again but closed it and sunk down in his seat when he met my furious stare.

There was no way I could tell them a story that would only put fuel to the fire for their idiocy and remind Dimitri of the guilt that weighed him down. My body was burning with a want to run up and choke the student. I took a deep breath and folded my arms in front of my chest.

"I'm sure most of you remember the trip to the ski resort after Christmas last year. There were rumors spreading about a group of Strigoi working together in a town nearby – Spokane."

In the corner of my eye, I noticed Dimitri's head moving lightning-fast to stare at me, but I ignored it. I had already anticipated his reaction.

"Some of my friends were stupid enough to get on a bus to a shopping mall where the Strigoi was said to be working, and so me and the now-Prince Consort, came after to bring them back. We were ambushed by a group of humans and had to follow them when they threatened one of the two Moroi in our group."

This was a story many had heard _of_ , but almost no one knew what had actually happened, only that one novice had died. None of us who were there to live it would willingly talk about it. Telling them about Spokane was a sure way to get them to lose focus from Dimitri, and we both knew it.

His hand moved from underneath mine on the desk between us. For a short second, I worried if he was angry, but I calmed down when I felt his warm palm rest against my lower back. The tight feeling in my throat that had formed when I decided to tell them about Spokane disappeared. It helped. We were supporting each other through the tough times. We would always have each other's back.

As I kept going and told them about the misery and agony from being tied up and tormented, my plan, Christian's fire magic, and our way out, I thought of how my voice sounded like my mother's had, when she had given a similar story. Hard and factual. I wasn't sure I could keep it that way. Dimitri's thumb moved over the fabric of my jacket. He was spreading warmth through all of my body just by one hand.

"I distracted both of them for long enough for the rest to get outside, then they got me. They would've killed me if it weren't for my friend who... Went in to help and died trying. They killed Mason."

These students weren't much younger than me. They knew Mason Ashford had been murdered in Spokane. It still hurt to say his name, but it needed to be done. He deserved to be remembered as the hero he was.

"Another friend returned and used water magic to make an aquarium explode and suffocate the old Strigoi," I continued. Dimitri's hand moved ever so slightly on my back, giving me strength.

"I pushed a shard of glass into his chest, making him unconscious for a minute, and pulled down an old sword from the wall to decapitate the woman and then the man. It was old and rusty and took a while, but then it was over," I said. I tried to seem unaffected. "Lesson to learn: don't think you can chase Strigoi before you graduate because it's bloody _stupid,_ " I received a thankful and slightly amused glance from Alberta. _Yeah, yeah_ , "Be creative in using magic and... Don't overestimate yourselves. Not how well you fight or how the real world will affect you. Killing Strigoi is not funny in any way. We do it because we must. Questions?"

The blonde guy from earlier started opening his dumb mouth before his arm was even fully raised.

"Not you. Yes, girl in the back?"

"You're a new Guardian yourself. What's the hardest part of fighting Strigoi you weren't ready for?"

"That they are a lot like they used to be. It's easy to picture a horrifying monster, but they talk and act and look a lot like Dhampirs, Moroi or humans. The most important lesson I got from my mentor," I nudged Dimitri lightly with an elbow in his side. "Was to not let that make me hesitate. I've failed that lesson several times." His hand on my back tensed. I wished I could hug him, and tell him that hesitating in those moments was the reason he stood beside me now. I would do it again.

We were just a small part of their longer class, and Stan let us leave shortly after.

Just like when I had been thrown out after being a brat towards my mother, I stopped outside the building. Instead of rage, this time, I was overwhelmed with memories and the image of Mason laying in that strange position with the woman over him.

"Are you okay?"

Dimitri was standing a few feet away from me. I couldn't read the look in his eyes. He looked worried and angry, as was expected, but there was something else there as well.

"Me?" I said. "What about you? That was fucking rough. I'll kick their sorry asses later. They're gonna wish they'd never even–"

"It's okay. You didn't have to do that," he cut me off.

We stared quietly at each other for a while, trying to figure each other out. My fingers fidgeted by my sides. I wanted us to be honest with each other again, on the same page without the lies.

"I couldn't let them keep talking to you like that," I said finally, not looking away. He snorted.

"You don't have to protect me, Rose."

I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"I know that. You still shouldn't have to answer to that kind of bullshit."

"I could handle it."

My mouth opened, but before I could burst out in anger I shut it again. A growling noise came from the back of my throat by frustration and I paced a few feet away. He could've just said thank you and let it go. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes closed to try and force any spirit darkness away from me. I needed a clear mind and to make sure he wouldn't shut down from me again.

"Come on," I said.

"Why?"

"We're taking a walk."

"Where?"

I groaned at how impossible he was being, but couldn't help the small smile on my lips. We were mirroring a conversation we had almost a year ago.

"It doesn't matter. We're doing that all over again in an hour and you need to calm down."

"I am calm."

"Dimitri," I said, exasperated. I was about to punch his guts for acting like a brat. " _Come_ _on_."

He made a face as if he didn't see the point but followed me anyway. Who was acting like a child, now?

It wasn't lunchtime yet, but we started walking in the direction of the cafeteria. To my great delight, there were vanilla donuts left from breakfast. I took two and gave one to Dimitri who waited outside. The fresh air and the sugary donut seemed to actually help him relax.

"I'm sorry I was rude," he said quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shrugged and licked some vanilla cream of his thumb. I swallowed and looked away.

"They were right. That's what's everyone's wondering. I even ask myself that. Maybe I have killed more humans than Strigoi. The least I can do is accept it and stand by the shame. Not stutter like an idiot because I can't handle a child asking me a question."

I realized we were walking the same route we used to run in the mornings. We fell into the same pace and knew exactly when to turn and which path to walk along.

"That _child_ was clearly trying to get a reaction," I said. "You don't have to prove to them that you carry the burden of what you did. Who cares what they think?"

He was quiet for several seconds before making a humming noise. He didn't have to actually answer to that, because he knew I was right.

The next class we visited had only last-year novices. I recognized some of them. It wasn't as difficult to tell our stories the second time, and the slightly older pupils were much more respectful with their questions. Either they were that much more grown up, or Stan and Alberta had told them to behave on beforehand. Either way, I was grateful.

Dimitri's mood was much better when we sat down for lunch, accompanied by some of his old coworkers. Normally, the guardians would take their lunch and eat somewhere else, but we had at least five guardians at the round table with us, and the conversation was loud and filled with laughter and old stories.

As usual, Dimitri knew everybody. Even Daniel, the guardian who acted as a Moroi during my trials, who had come to work at St Vladimir's after the attack, knew Dimitri from an earlier job. Neither of these people stopped to look at him a second time, or became nervous around him when certain subjects were raised. The fact that I could join in with the storytelling just like the rest, was exciting. The fact that I was their favorite person to tell stories about, was something I had to live with. It was worth it when I caught Dimitri's amused smile.

"Remember when Hathaway got caught trying to sneak out of her window with a backpack filled with beer? And then we found that Szelsky boy hiding in the bushes underneath without a shirt," Jean said, which raised a whole lot of loud laughter and wolf whistling. At least I made some kind of legacy at this place. They would never forget my time here. I rolled my eyes and laughed along, noticing Dimitri was hiding a small smile but kept his eyes on the food in front of himself. 

"Glad to see her taste in men improved," Emil said with a firm pat on Dimitri's shoulder. Dimitri raised his brows and snorted but kept his eyes away from me or anybody else. It was taken as some humble modesty – not a wish to make them change the subject because we were severely uncomfortable.

"I should get changed for next class," I said, standing up.

"Is Rose Hathaway embarrassed?" Guardian Chase teased. I looked back at them with my most confident Rose Hathaway-smile.

"You can't give me detentions anymore. Watch it." I threatened them with a playful look in my eyes, leaving them howling behind me.

"We've missed you two," Jean's voice said behind me. 

My heart clenched in my chest.

I missed us, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter, which will take place just where this one ended, is coming very soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading! xx


	6. Chapter 6

When Dimitri entered the gym, he looked every inch of the tall, dark Russian god he was. I had to clear my throat when he approached and tear my eyes away from him. I hoped his bad mood from that morning was forgotten after the joyful lunch.

"Do you wanna do the talking?" He asked me. That's when I noticed this was the same group we had met in the first class. The blonde guy still kept that ridiculous smile on his face. I wanted it gone.

"You don't have to hide from them," I said.

"I'm not. I just thought you'd like to lead it. You were impressive yesterday with the Moroi students."

I _had_ been impressive with my teaching skills, and I was happy to hear Dimitri had noticed. But was I going to manage leading an entire class with students just a few years younger than myself?

"Yeah, okay. Sure. And you'll..."

"Be right behind you and look pretty until you need to brutally throw me to the ground," he said smiling innocently. So he had realized I went too hard that time. That took me off guard. I bit my tongue and walked up to the class. Dimitri gave me one of his secret, small smiles. My heart was doing flips. His mood really had improved over the lunch.

The class went by quickly and without any problems. The best part was by far when the blonde guy was 'randomly selected' to show how to wrestle someone – me – to the ground. He walked up to me with that cocky grin and then limped back after having tapped three times on the floor in surrender under my grip. Dimitri shook his head but I was very satisfied, and didn't miss the twitching in the corners of his lips.

Ever since Lissa and I had returned to the Academy, Dimitri and I had been a forceful pair. As sparring partners, mentor/student, lovers, enemies and friends. Now, we reached a new level as the greatest teaching pair the school had ever seen. In an hour's time we had gotten every student at least five levels higher on the badass-scale. Dimitri told them proper positions, grips and stances, and they were too scared of him to do otherwise. I told them sneaky little tricks, and jumped of joy when the smallest girl had a larger guy tap out and surrender – thanks to what I had taught her.

I was the happiest I had been in a long time, walking around, shouting orders or encouragement or adjustments. By only nodding to Dimitri, he was right by my side and helped me show a stunt or grip without me even having to explain it to him. 

After a long and draining day, we had only the last bit of the last lesson left. Dimitri and I were standing with a group of four students in one corner who practiced a stunt that, again, involved throwing your opponent over your shoulder. I walked forward to help one guy get a firmer grip in the swing.

"Right, you see if you move your grip to just below his elbow here..." I couldn't explain it well enough. Dimitri was already standing just behind me and reached his arm out, allowing me to show on him. Our eyes met, slightly amused, as the students backed away.

"Should I be scared?" He asked so only I could hear him. I snorted.

"Don't hold back."

He didn't. The problem was: I did.

The movements flew by so quickly I didn't have time to process what had happened until I was on the ground with my breath knocked right out of me. My eyes were wide. I had fallen in a twisted position right on my head and neck. _Shit_.

I knew I should stay down after a fall on my neck like that, but I wasn't going to make a scene with students that actually looked up to me. I got up slowly and winced, whilst avoiding Dimitri's worried eyes, and tried to shake it off.

"You get the movements right?" They nodded but looked at me stunned. _Whatever_. "Go ahead. Be careful," I said and walked as naturally as I could to Dimitri's chair in the corner. He was right there with me. I stumbled, and became just barely aware of how his arm flew around my waist to keep me upright and not slump together before I could reach the chair.

" _Fuck,_ " I said between gritted teeth. I could hear throbbing in my ears and my neck was stiff. I knew this couldn't be good. Everything hurt like hell and the lights were dancing in front of my eyes. _Am I about to pass out? I should probably lay down_ , I thought, but it was embarrassing enough I had to sit there.

"Your neck- does it hurt?" Dimitri asked with a rushed and worried voice, squatting in front of me. He put his hands on my knees and looked up at me with narrowed, searching eyes. How I hated when he worried over me. And oh, how I loved it all the same. I shook my head quickly- too quickly. I groaned and put a hand to my forehead. Everything kept shaking in front of my eyes even when my head was still.

"Just my head. I'm fine, I just need to catch my breath."

"Are you dizzy? How many fingers?"

I groaned again and pushed his hand down from in front of me. I definitely wouldn't be able to count fingers since the earth was moving at supersonic speed under my feet, but he couldn't know that. I continued with the annoyed act instead.

"It's just five minutes left of the class. I'll take an aspirin when we get out of here. Have them finish and stretch," I said, knowing fully that aspirin wouldn't be enough to stop the throbbing.

"You're not going to fall asleep are you? Or get sick?"

He was still squatting in front of me with his hands on my knees. His eyes didn't move from my face once. No matter what injury, I hated being weak in front of him. I couldn't stand his troubled eyes or how he cared like that. I sighed and pushed his hands away.

" _Please_."

He was annoyed I didn't take it seriously, but I couldn't have him hovering over me another second. People were staring and I was mortified. I just wanted them to leave so I could lay down and cry a bit and make everything quiet down and be still. Dimitri gave in and nodded shortly. He turned back to the class and told them to take a lap around the gym to cool down. His booming voice was making my stomach flutter. It made me feel sick again. _Did I need to throw up?_ That wouldn't be a good look.

I didn't notice when the last novice left the gym. I was focused on not falling off the chair and keep my eyes open despite the pain of my head being squeezed. I felt increasingly nauseous.

"We're going to see Dr. Olendzki," Dimitri's voice said from somewhere in front of me. There was two of him, and I fell towards one of them. He saw it coming and caught me.

"I'm–"

"You're not fine, Rose," He cut me off. "You're clearly concussed and it's because of me. Please. Let's go." 

He sounded desperate. I expected him to be angry and make me come with him by force. Was he feeling guilty? His arm went across my back, but I started protesting when I felt a hand on my thigh, preparing to hoist me up.

"I can walk," I objected weakly.

Dimitri groaned. He was annoyed now, but must have compared my state as something similar to a child or a drunk person who could be convinced by simple tricks. He leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"But you like it when I carry you."

I furrowed my eyebrows and pouted. He wasn't wrong. My head was exploding and I didn't care about behaving maturely. I didn't care about over analyzing how he had just used my emotions against me to have it his way.

"Fine."

I tried very hard not to enjoy his arms around my back and under my legs, or how I could lean fully into the crook of his neck and enjoy how he smelled slightly of sweat and how his hair ticked my face. I didn't care to worry about the consequences the comfort of his arms would make on my already confused feelings.

Dr. Olendzki told us that I was, indeed, concussed. At least it wasn't more than that. I was fairly used to concussions. No TV or reading or heavy partying (unless you really have to) for a day or two and then you're back on your feet.

There was a distinct ringing through my ears that made the world around me feel like a dream. I had given up trying to keep my eyes open now, but took part of the conversation with my eyes closed instead. Or, I tried to keep up with what they were saying to each other, as if I was completely incapable. I didn't need to look to know Dimitri was resting his hand on top of mine. To be honest, I would probably have become even dizzier if I had to see it, too.

"You have to stay here for the night so I can monitor your symptoms," Dr. Olendzki said.

I jolted up into a sitting position and stared at her. That had never happened with any of my previous concussions. There was no way I could sleep in a hospital wing for students after I had graduated. I was a Queen's guard, for heavens sake. Was this someone's trick to make me feel like a complete failure? It couldn't get any more embarrassing than this.

My mouth and brain didn't work fast enough to manage to come up with an answer. Thankfully, Dimitri saved me again.

"I can watch her," he said. "If it's all the same to you."

We stayed behind for a while longer as he received instructions for how much longer I had to stay awake and what to do if any of my symptoms got worse. Soon enough, we were making our way back to our room. I didn't want him to babysit me all night _and_ carry me everywhere. At the very least, I could walk back myself. It would've probably been easier for everyone if I had just let him carry me, though. We moved very slowly and he carried all of our stuff as he hovered a hand just behind my upper arm and gripped it tightly every time I stumbled over my feet.

"You don't have to do this," I told him once I dropped down in the large bed and relaxed after the excruciating walk. "I won't die on you. Go hang out with the other guardians."

"I'm sure they have better things to do, and I have a book to read anyway." His answer was soft but definite. I wouldn't be able to argue my way out of it.

I decided to get comfortable and removed my pants under the covers and unzipped the thin long-sleeved shirt I had on over my tank top, throwing it to the floor behind me. Dimitri handed me a glass of water and I thanked him, still dizzy and disoriented but in a lot less pain thanks to whatever drugs Olendzki had given me. The spinning in my head had slowed down but so had everything else as well. I pulled up the covers and smushed my head down into the pillows.

"You're not falling asleep, are you?" Dimitri asked from somewhere far on the other side of the bed.

"No," I mumbled. "Just resting my eyes a bit."

He made an annoyed noise and pulled me up into a sitting position. I frowned but knew I definitely would've fallen asleep within seconds otherwise. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't sleep or watch TV or read anything. I huffed and glanced to his beaten western novel.

"Read to me," I said.

"Hm?"

"I'm bored and will fall asleep otherwise. Read out loud."

He started reading from the page his bookmark was placed. I had no idea about the names or places or the story, but it didn't matter. His vibrating voice was comforting and made my head stop spinning.

"Hey, no sleeping."

I hadn't noticed how I had started to doze off again. His arm reached down behind my back where my tank top had ridded up, gripped my waist, and pulled me up from laying down again. This time, he pulled me not only up, but towards him. I followed him like a rag doll and ended up with my body pressed against his.

Deciding to blame it on being drowsy and confused, I allowed myself to lean my head on his shoulder. He was the one who had put me there. What was a poor concussed girl gonna do- keep my head and neck up? At least the risk of me falling asleep had disappeared since his fingers were still touching the skin where my top had ridden up and his chest was warm under my hand and his hair was tickling my cheek again. He could probably feel my quickened heart beat.

When a much too short time had past, Dimitri glanced at his watch and put down his book, already moving out from underneath the covers.

"You can rest now," he whispered. I was already half asleep when he said it, but that didn't mean I didn't notice how something that felt a lot like lips pressed against the top of my head before his absence was evident.

I stirred awake after what could have been minutes, hours, or the entire night. My head wasn't hurting as much anymore, but my disoriented state was not helped by having just woken up. I looked to my side and found... nothing. Dimitri wasn't there. The door to the bathroom was open and he wasn't there either.

"Dimitri?"

There was no answer. The only sound heard was from students chatting and laughing outside the window. Had he gone out to meet with the other guardians like I said he should? Or had he gotten another room like he wanted yesterday? Then why had he held me and read to me? Or was that what had made him freak out and leave? Did he reckon I was well enough to be alone now? He had just been worried sick about me but he jumped on the chance to get away?

One thing was certain: he left me.

I was definitely concussed, since I wouldn't have cried that much otherwise.

The sobs made my entire body convulse. I had to press both my hands to my chest to assure myself it was still whole- my heart was still in there.

For the first time since we had talked about Siberia in Sydney's motel room with bottles of liquor, I allowed myself to feel the pain of being alone under every numb layer. I let myself feel all the pain of missing Dimitri, and the fuzzy hole inside me that was shaped like him got its sharp edges back.

This wouldn't work out. I couldn't have him care like he did and not have him be mine. 

The door opened just as I let out a strangled sob and a sniffle.

"Rose?"

There was no stopping it now. I was definitely not well, otherwise I would've covered it up or told myself to stop freaking out. Now, my sobs kept pushing out through my mouth and nose. The tears kept running.

 _He's here now._ But he wasn't. He wasn't back to me and he wouldn't be. Right?

"What's happening? Where does it hurt? What can I do?"

Dimitri quickly put the small boxes he had been holding on the table and rushed to fall on his knees on my side of the bed. His hand brushed away the tear-wet strands of hair on my face and rested on my forehead as if he could feel the pain through my skin.

"You left me," I said between tries to breathe properly and calm down.

It was wrong, stupid and pathetic, but I had said it. He had left me and absolutely everything hurt. The pain in my head and neck couldn't compare to the pain I had allowed myself to feel by admitting he wasn't coming back to me the way I needed him to.

By clenching my jaw shut with shivering lips, I could make the noises that tried to escape my mouth turn to shaky sniffles instead. My breaths came in three hitched inhales that hurt my stomach and one forced exhale.

Just that morning, I had lived through the horrors of Spokane again. I remembered the way he had looked at me when I was bloody and screaming in his arms in the house, and how he had looked at me for weeks after. Now, his worried look went to something not far from that. Pain, but not for him. Pain for recognizing what I was feeling.

"I was only getting us something to eat. I'm here now," he said and hushed my crying, still stroking my forehead. "You're tired and hurt. It's okay."

I was more aware of what was happening than I would like to admit, but I let my instincts continue to rule what I said and did now. I couldn't stand to control myself any longer.

My hand gripped his shirt and pulled him weakly towards me. It didn't make him move one inch, but he got the message and climbed down under the covers next to me. Whatever had used to hold him back didn't anymore. His arms slid around me and pulled me to his chest. I was leaving wet marks on his shirt. 

"Stay," I whispered against his shirt. I wasn't sure he heard me. My nose touched the scruffy skin below his chin.

He took a deep breath. It wasn't a sigh, but more like a release. Under my cheek, I felt his body relax where I didn't know he was tense. He was here. He was holding me. I tried to feel everything I could and more – if this was the last time, I had to remember it. I felt his arm under me end in a hand gripping my shoulder. I felt the muscles of his waist under my palm. I felt his fingers burying into my hair, pulling my face impossibly close to him. I felt his heartbeat under my cheek. I heard his breaths, I took in his scent.

"Okay," he said.

"Stay with me," I repeated desperately. I needed him. Nothing else could matter in a world where he wasn't mine. He had to understand.

"I will."

It sounded like a promise. I didn't believe it. His voice was small and fragile.

I lifted my head to look at him. _He had to know._ My lip quivered and so did his hands. Again, he stroke my hair away from my face. It was soothing to both of us. His eyes flickered all over me as if he tried to take in the moment as strongly as I was.

"I mean it," I said.

My voice was filled with desperation and promises and begging of him to let go of what had been haunting him for months.

_I love you. Come back to me._

I almost thought he had heard my thoughts. Maybe I accidentally had said them out loud. His hand landed on my cheek. His eyes stopped to look into mine, then moved to my lips, and came back to my eyes. _My love, come back to me._

"So do I."

His lips were slow, soft and careful, yet nothing had felt more certain in my life. The kiss held no doubt, or fear, or sorrow. Our lips moved together in an improvised dance that had been practiced forever. Releasing and returning, much like us. There were no words that could describe the feelings that stirred up in me by being kissed and held by him like that again.

Dimitri held my face between his hands as he kissed my lips, my nose, my wet cheeks, my eyelids, my forehead, and my lips again. We stared at each other without words, but with releases of breath that sounded like a laugh and small whimpers into his mouth. We were trying to convince ourselves that it was happening. It was real. We were wide awake, dreaming and flying at the same time.

He whispered my name over and over again between kisses, watching me as carefully as if he was scared I would disappear out of thin air if he blinked or stopped repeating my name. My hands touched every inch of him I could reach, scared he wouldn't be there if I let go. 

_Roza, Roza, Roza, Roza._

If I only had this chance to touch him, I had to make it worth it. If one of us decided that this was a mistake in the morning, we had to use every minute to lovingly and adoringly whisper the other's name, to touch, to kiss - to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting for this one - turn it up!
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting and leaving kudos. It makes my days so much brighter xxx


	7. Chapter 7

I sat in the back seat next to my best friend in a large jeep with tinted windows on our way back to the royal court and it was _definitely_ past lunch time. 

When Dimitri and I had arrived at Court late the day after I received the concussion, we both went straight to our guardian duties. Lissa would've given me another week off had I asked for it, but I wanted to work and promised her I'd tell her if I didn't feel alright.

Lissa had a royal visit to a hospital near the Court scheduled that morning. The hospital had human patients and doctors as well, but they had departments for chronic illnesses, such as Victor Dashkov's, where a lot of the patients and staff were Moroi or Dhampirs, since the few of those who needed a hospital wanted to be close to their own kind.

Me and another guardian called Jonathan kept close to Lissa at all times. Two guards were in the room on a distance and another two watched the exits. Jonathan was close to our age and could easily look like someone's brother or boyfriend next to us. He was also an amazing fighter, which put him as a near guard almost every time he was on duty. Jonathan was also one of the few Queen's guards who could relax when we weren't on serious duty, and who had no problems to keep a friendly banter to make boring days go by faster. He took his job seriously and I trusted him around Lissa, which was pretty big.

My job there was in theory as one of two near guards. In practice, however, I took on the job to send firm glances to Lissa every time she talked to a child or sweet old man with an illness she desperately wanted to ease. _You can't help everybody_ , my eyes said. _I can try_ , was the answer. I got her out of there before she could help too much.

On our way back, Lissa sat in the middle of the car. Two guards sat in the front seats, two in the far back and me and Jonathan on either side of Lissa. She rested her head on my shoulder and I did my very best to ease the effects her usage of spirit had on her. She had a few long, dull meetings after lunch and she hadn't taken the time to see a feeder that morning. 

It was definitely past lunchtime now. My stomach growled and I winced, hoping no one had heard.

"Didn't you eat a second breakfast in the car earlier, Hathaway?" Jonathan teased. I sent him a bored glance over Lissa's blonde hair which only made him laugh. Lissa mumbled from my shoulder.

"You have to eat something before the meeting."

I patted her head. "I'll grab a sandwich on the way. We should get you something, though. Can you postpone it for ten minutes and go to the feeders?"

"Rose, your job is to protect me from the undead, not hunger."

"I can do both."

She didn't answer, which meant she wasn't going to postpone the meeting with the Princes and Princesses of the court. I would have to keep an extra eye on her during the afternoon.

As we walked from the garages to the court room, I glanced to a dark corner behind a pillar, where Dimitri had pulled me in and kissed me just the day before, on our way back from the plane. My stomach filled with butterflies at the memory of him pushing me up against the wall in the shadows, but still in public. We could do that now. Hopefully, some day, we wouldn't feel the need to hide it. It would probably be wise to keep sneaking around for a little longer until we both knew what we were doing and how. Even though I wasn't his student any longer and he was allowed back as a court guard, there were still some controversy about our relationship that we would have to put up with. I was happy Lissa couldn't read my mind like Oksana because that kiss had been _steamy_ and the memory was almost making is justice.

We didn't need to be six active guards around Lissa while she was inside court. Four was definitely enough. Jonathan was replaced by Igor as we walked behind Lissa. He returned when we were waiting just outside the court meeting room for our cue to enter and tossed a sandwich to me.

"Ham and cheese? Weren't there any chicken left?" I said. Jonathan took a bite into his sandwich.

"I took the last one. You have two minutes, eat it now or go hungry for another two hours."

I frowned at him but shoved the sandwich in my mouth fast enough to earn a disbelieving headshake from Lissa. Good thing I wasn't the one who needed to look royal at all times. I bet she wanted to devour a sandwich in that moment as well. I tore pieces off it between bites and gave to her. Any energy I could get her was going to make a difference and she wouldn't have accepted a whole sandwich on her own.

The door opened, meaning every member of the court were seated and Lissa was to make her entrance. I took a large last bite, threw the paper from the sandwich into the nearest bin and chewed while we entered the large room.

"The chicken was real good, just saying," Jonathan mumbled. While trying to keep a professional expression, I snorted, smiled, and made a mental note to be the one picking up lunch next time.

The members of the court all rose when Queen Vasilisa entered. There were more guardians surrounding the room, both court guards by each entrance, and the guards of the royals surrounding the table on a distance. I leaned my head down to not be obvious about how much food I was trying to chew at the moment. I wiped my mouth with my hand and took my position behind Lissa's right shoulder when she sat down on the far end of the long table. The rest of the court sat down after she did and I stood in proper guardian position - legs wide apart and hands clasped together in front of me. I was constantly glancing around me to search for any potential threats, not that anyone would be able to come through any entrance and take down the guards there without making a lot of noise.

They discussed Court finances and legal matters that seemed irrelevant to me for almost two hours and I was grateful it was Lissa and not me who had to pay attention.

When they were done, they all stood up and talked to each other and mingled for a bit. Lissa wanted to discuss a question that concerned education with Rufus Ivashkov who sent me a dirty look. Nothing new. Lissa then went on to talk about her visit to the hospital with Evette Ozera and Ariana Szelsky. Jonathan and I kept a close watch on Lissa, but the Ozera and Szelsky-princesses had two near guards of their own and so we all took a step back and let them talk. We could let our guard down just a bit now. 

"It's quite amazing how Queen Vasilisa can be more enthusiastic about educational laws than you are about lunch," Jonathan said. Lissa had tried to get her guards to address her as a friend when they talked to her, and they tried, but they always used her full title and first name when they spoke of her.

I laughed and looked up at him. Jonathan was quite tall, not like Dimitri but still tall for a Dhampir. His strawberry blonde hair and freckles, along with his teasing grin, reminded me of Mason sometimes.

"What are you implying?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and folding my arms in front of me, testing him.

"Nothing," he said casually. "Just that you're passionate."

I let out a huffed laugh and was about to answer when something entered the corner of my eye and came closer. I tensed and my head spun to the side quickly, but I relaxed when I saw who it was.

Dimitri was approaching us from the side staircase. I hadn't even noticed that he was in the room. I scolded myself for being a bad guard and, well, whatever I was to him - for not knowing he was right there. The image of how he had pulled me into a corner and pushed me up against the wall returned to me by the sight of him. I couldn't help but blush. 

However, he didn't aim to approach me. I followed his less-than-amused gaze to Jonathan. I recognized that look, even though I hadn't seen it in Dimitri many times before. Dimitri stretched his hand out.

"We haven't met. Guardian Belikov," he said without a single emotion on display. He was wearing his indifferent guardian expression. For a short second, Jonathan's hard, badass guardian aura was changed into something else. I thought it was fear at first, but it could've just been respect. They shook hands.

"Yes, of course. I'm Jonathan Davis," he said with an effort to be friendly and nice, but he probably understood as much as I did that Dimitri wasn't there to make a new friend. Dimitri's gaze fell down and up again, eyeing Jonathan as if he was measuring him up and let out a light snorting noise. Was he... jealous?

Without another word, Dimitri turned away from Jonathan and made a point by being turned fully towards me. His expression softened when he looked at me and I tried to raise one eyebrow to ask _'What are you doing?'_

"I get off at four, see you then?" Dimitri's eyes flew to Jonathan for a second again and then back to me. He was definitely marking his territory here. A part of me wanted to be annoyed but it was kind of hot. "My place?"

"Yeah, sure," I said. He furthered his point by taking a step closer and kiss my cheek before he turned around and walked away again, with a ' _Your Highness_ ' to Lissa who beamed at him as he walked past. 

A kiss on the cheek was pretty heavy PDA coming from Dimitri. Never in my life had I thought he would do something like that on duty in front of other guardians. Then again, I understood this was a one time thing. We would have to talk about this later. My heart made a leap when I thought about going to his room. We hadn't really been alone since we left our room at the Academy that morning after my concussion.

My runaway thoughts and fantasies were brought to a stop when my colleague next to me started talking.

"Damn, I wasn't sure the rumors were true," Jonathan said. He was clenching and flexing his right hand after the tight handshake. I hid a smile.

"Sorry about that."

"No, it was cute. Unnecessary, _no offense,_ but cute. Didn't think the great Belikov got jealous."

Jonathan was smirking and I blushed. Thankfully, he didn't think any less of me for what had happened. He was just amused. I was also thankful for the small addition of 'unnecessary' as well, since Dimitri's reaction had made me fear if Jonathan was indeed flirting and I was oblivious to it. He wasn't, thank god.

After another hour-long meeting which could have been an email, I got off duty and started walking towards the guardians' living quarters with butterflies in my stomach. I realized quickly I didn't actually know where Dimitri lived. I had met him outside of the building once or twice but I hadn't been inside this particular building a lot. It wasn't the one I had lived in when we first got to Court after graduation, and now, I lived in one of the many apartments that belonged to the Queen.

I walked through the big double doors and into the large entrance. It felt like a big, open hotel lobby with large stairs leading to the floors above and several different sitting groups. I hadn't been prepared for the amount of people inside. It was packed with people, men mostly, that surrounded the pool table, or had a late lunch, or sat around and talked by the sofas. It seemed to be some kind of after work hang out in the lobby and I felt a bit bummed out for the lack of an invite, even though I hardly knew anyone there.

Since I didn't know where to go, I had stopped just inside the doors, which seemed to draw some attention. Even if I didn't know the guardians here more than a few on a purely professional basis, they seemed to know about me. Of course, the girl who dropped out of school to go to Siberia, went to Vegas with the Dragomir Princess, got arrested for high treason, fled prison and returned just to be shot in front of every single person at Court, would probably have a bit of a reputation after her.

The volume in the lobby had even lowered a bit when more people stopped to look at what everyone was so interested in. 

"Rose!"

From the top of the open stairs, with his hair tied in his neck and a tight black sweater on that hugged his toned chest nicely, came Dimitri. He descended down the stairs so smoothly with his long legs it looked like he was flowing. Some guys around us scoffed or looked at each other with raised brows, saying something without words.

Again, Dimitri took me by surprise, and met me with a quick peck on the lips. I barely had time to react before he grabbed my hand, intertwined our fingers, and led me up the stairs. I squeezed his hand and concealed my surprise until we were alone. A wolf whistle and a ' _Nice, Dimka!_ ' from someone who must have been a friend, based on the nickname and Dimitri's eye roll, was heard from below as the volume went back to what it was, and continued with what they were doing.

"What was that?" I asked when we walked through the third floor corridor to his room.

"What was what?" He said, unlocked door 306, and gestured for me to enter.

"That very uncharacteristic display of affection downstairs," I said keeping my tone light and easy as I walked inside. Not that I was complaining about the kiss, of course, but there seemed to be something behind it. Dimitri closed the door after him.

His apartment was bigger than I had expected, considering the amount of guardians who apparently lived in the building, but it wasn't much bigger than the room he had at the Academy. In one corner stood a bed beneath a window with a view of the large court grounds that would be beautifully orange in a few hours when the sun came up. The nightstand had two books on it with bookmarks neatly put near the end. 

"I think we should talk."

I spun around to face him, almost crashing into him because he was standing much closer than I thought. This was it? I tried to keep my face expressionless despite the ice that filled my veins and the hard rocks that filled my chest. From my lower height, I looked up at him with wide eyes and swallowed tightly. This was not what I expected when he asked me to come over. Why did he kiss my cheek before then? Was he acting possessive without having any desire to have me?

"Okay. About what?"

"Hmm," he said, sounding as if he had been expecting that poorly concealed reaction. He took a step closer and held both of my hands in his. "About what goes through your mind when you hear those words and look like that."

I looked down at our hands and tried to push all the fears away.

"So... Not that kind of talk?"

"No, Roza, certainly not."

He brought me to his couch and sat down on one side. He made room for me to sit on the other end but since I had only been able to be this close to him for two days, I made sure to make the most of it and sat down right next to him with my legs draped over his. He rested his arm on the back of the couch behind me.

"You thought I regretted it, didn't you?" He asked softly. My nails were suddenly very interesting to look at. I shrugged.

"It wouldn't be... Completely surprising if you did," I said.

I didn't have the guts to look him in the eye as I said it, since I knew it sounded stupid. With his self control he wouldn't have done something he would have to take back immediately, such as the night at the Academy. He also wouldn't have kissed me earlier, or on our way back yesterday, but those words were scary nonetheless. Of course I expected him to regret it – it hadn't been many months since he claimed his love for me had faded.

"Rose," he said, with a tone that forced me to look up. "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not true. I'm regretting many things, such as not letting you in, or keeping away from you, but I don't regret coming back to you. I only regret making you wait."

I wasn't prepared at all to hear all of that heartfelt honesty. My vision became a little blurry. My eyes fell down to look at his chest as I tried to blink the tears away before looking back and nodding. My breath hitched.

"I'm sorry," he continued. He took my hand in both of his and stroke the back of it with his thumb softly. My other hand flew up to wipe away the wetness from my eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did and said when I got back. I honestly thought I did the right thing to keep away from you and let you move on without me. I'm sorry you can't trust me to stay now, but I promise I will."

A tear broke loose and fell down to my chin where I wiped it off. 

"You will?" 

It was a weak answer to all of that. He poured his heart out and all I seemed to take from it was that I wanted him to stay. He let out a shaky laugh. I hadn't noticed how nervous he looked until then. His hands seemed to be holding mine to keep them from shaking. In an effort to comfort him, I reached my free hand up to cup his cheek. He leaned into my touch and sighed in content.

"And I'm sorry for earlier," he continued. "Both in court and downstairs. You're right, it wasn't like me and I'm truly embarrassed."

"Why did you do it?" I asked. It was new to have Dimitri be embarrassed about how he acted, since he normally had total control over everything he said and did.

"I was jealous," he said without missing a beat. I was taken back by how easily he had said it. Jealousy wasn't something many people would admit, being such an ugly feeling. "Which isn't an excuse. I don't possess you and I should be trusting you."

"I mean..." I started in a tone to contradict him a little but stopped when he shook his head. 

"I shouldn't have acted like that in front of your colleagues." He didn't address what I had said.

"Jonathan thought it was funny. And I didn't... _hate_ it," I admitted. "It was kind of nice to feel like how it was before. You don't have to throw any boys out of my dorm now, though."

He snorted and got a dazed look in his eyes as he reached up to twirl a strand of my hair around his finger. His relaxed state seemed to become nervous again. 

"It won't happen again," he said, meeting my eyes. "But it leads us to the next thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to go back to how it was before."

" _Oh_."

I should probably have said something more clever than that, but I was unsure about what he meant and didn't want to get any ideas beforehand. My chest still clenched as my mind started to spin and consider what he wanted instead.

"I mean I don't want to hide this time. I'm not your mentor anymore, and I don't want to feel like I did earlier whenever I think someone's flirting with you because they might think you're available. I want them to _know_. I want everybody to know."

I was speechless. Was he saying what I thought he was? I still didn't dare to jump to any conclusions even though Dimitri seemed to think he had already said what he needed to. My lips formed into a smile.

"So you're saying..."

"I want you to be with me. Fully." His voice was hinting at something so clearly and I knew he didn't actually want to say the words.

I bit my lip. He really meant it. I leaned on his shoulder and teased him a bit, acting oblivious.

"You mean...?"

Dimitri groaned and threw his head back, then looked at me with such certainty that I forgot how to breathe.

"Yes, Rose, I'm asking you to be my girlfriend." 

My smile became so big it hurt my face. I could hear my heart beating wildly inside my chest. I threw my arms around his neck and planted a big kiss on his lips. It didn't last long because we both started laughing. I mumbled against his lips.

"Don't you think it's a bit soon? We've only dated for two days," I teased him. I was completely, fully his. I always had been.

Dimitri laughed.

"Oh, shut up."

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it! I can't thank you enough for reading and commenting on this story.
> 
> I expected there to be maybe two people out there who would care about a Vampire Academy fanfiction in 2021 and I'm so happy I was wrong. 
> 
> There will be a very short epilogue added to this story as well, just to tie it up.
> 
> I also have some ideas to make another Romitri-story with a little more *spice*. It might be tied to this one as a series, but I'm not sure yet. 
> 
> Again, thank you!!
> 
> Love   
> leahgeorgiacastle  
> xx


	8. Epilogue

Dimitri's mouth left kisses along my jaw. He nibbled at my ear and continued with open mouth kisses along my neck. 

His teeth scraped the skin teasingly, but what had once excited me made me freeze now. He didn't do that anymore. He usually steered clear of my neck altogether to not trigger anything. 

I tried to lightly shove him back with my hands on his shoulders but he didn't stop.

"Dimitri," I said, pleading. I wasn't comfortable. I wanted the careful, soft, wary Dimitri. Why was he being like this?

His hand moved from where it had been placed on my waist to my neck and I gasped. It was ice cold. 

I opened my eyes and managed to pull away slightly, but his hands on my neck and waist wouldn't let go.

White skin. Red ring around the iris. Fangs glistening in the moonlight when he smiled.

_Wake up, wake up, wake up._

"Stop fussing, you want this."

"Please," I cried, trying to shove him back. It was like hitting a brick wall.

This is not Dimitri. It's not him. _But it looks like him_. What if it is? Maybe the actual dream was the one about him coming back? Could that have been just a dream and this nightmare was reality? Was I stuck in this room still?

His hand moved to my face and he started to stroke my cheek with a cold thumb. 

_Rose, wake up_.

"You know what I am, and you still want me. I'm a predator, Rose. You could be one, too."

_"Rose!"_

I let out a strangled cry and sat up in the bed. I gripped the covers in my lap to touch and feel something real that would prove the feeling of cold hands on my body was left in the dream.

A hand was lightly placed on top of the covers beside my own, deliberately not touching me. 

I flinched again, stared at the hand, and then followed the arm up to Dimitri's face. _Dimitri's_ face.

"It's just a dream. You're okay. I'm here." 

We had been doing this a lot during the last couple of weeks. I thought moving in together and sharing a bed at night would ease our nightmares, but the trauma followed us both. At least we knew just what to do when the other woke up screaming and trembling now.

If Dimitri touched me before I could understand what was happening, he would scare me more. He made his presence known and waited, until I was fully awake and went to him first, to gather me up in his arms and hold me until I stopped shaking. He pressed me tightly to his warm body and swayed back and forth.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered. That was another thing we had figured out normally worked. It was the only thing the Strigoi-Dimitri in my dreams wouldn't say, and it made me certain of whose embrace I was in.

I looked around me in our shared bedroom. Dimitri had officially moved in with me in my large apartment just weeks after he had asked me to be his girlfriend. The sun was peeking in through the edges of the curtains. It couldn't be morning just yet.

Dimitri eased his hold on me and I sat up, hunched forward. I felt him shift behind me, and then his long leg came moving around me, placing me in between his legs. 

With a deep sigh that released the last of my fear, I leaned back on his chest and hugged the strong arms that were hugging me from behind. Dimitri's chest muscle tensed and then I felt a kiss on the top of my head. I hummed in gratitude and kissed his upper arm that rested just beside my head.

With the sun peeking in, I could easily see the pieces of the room that made it ours. I wasn't big on redecorating, but since Dimitri had moved in you could find us in every corner of our home. 

On the mantel above the fireplace were saved letters and pictures. One of them had come from Baia just a few days before, asking if we would come visit for Dimitri's birthday next month. Next to it was a letter from Abe, saying _"Talked to Mrs. Belikova. See you in three weeks. Dad."_ It had two plane tickets attached.

Speaking of fathers, next to Dimitri's duster on the hanger, was the cashmere scarf Abe had given me my last day in Siberia.

On the coffee table in front of the large couch was the large, bright-colored book _100 Best Places to Visit in the World_. The one with the corn palace in it. On the first page it said _'To my Roza - For making me enjoy where I'm at every day.'_

In return, I had given him, only partly as a joke, the brown cowboy hat that was still resting on the back of the couch, where I had taken it away from him earlier in order to kiss him better, after having teased him about wearing it at home, to which he had answered that it was 'actually very comfortable'.

My favorite picture of us was framed and hung on the wall next to the TV. It was taken on top of the hill we finished our morning runs at, with a beautiful orange sunrise behind us. I was clinging on to Dimitri's back with my arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek with my eyes closed, arm out to take the photo. Dimitri was grinning widely to the camera, his forehead glistening with sweat from the run.

Next to it were the two pictures we took after Dimitri officially signed on as Christian's guardian. One of them was serious. Lissa looked regal, and badass as fuck in a light blue pantsuit I had gotten her, with a smiling Christian on her arm. I was standing in the correct pose behind her left shoulder, as was Dimitri behind Christian's right shoulder. Our expressions weren't stoic, but proud. In the photo next to it we had let go of the official rules. All four of us were laughing happily. I had lifted up Lissa bridal-style in my arms and Dimitri did the same with Christian, which had made him squeal so loud we all burst out laughing just as the photo was taken.

"Are you okay?" Dimitri asked and stroke my hair back to kiss my cheek. I glanced back and gave him a small smile as I nodded.

"It was a scary one."

"I could tell. Do you want to talk about it?"

I considered it for a moment but decided it wasn't necessary this time.

Without hurting any precious parts, I managed to turn around and lay on my stomach on top of him. I found his kind eyes that could both save me from nightmares and make me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world.

"I'm good, thank you. We leave early in the morning. You should get your beauty sleep," I said.

His laughter vibrated through his body and made me bounce as well. 

"I should've gotten an uglier girlfriend so I wouldn't be compared to you, then."

"Don't you dare," I said, trying to sound threatening but smiled and yawned at the same time, which made him laugh more.

Our lips met in a kiss and he turned us over so that I was laying next to him. He kissed my forehead last as he usually did before going to sleep. His hand searched for mine in the dark and he made a happy sigh when he found it.

When he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, he was as beautiful as an ancient statue. I admired him for another couple of minutes.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was, despite everything we had gone through.

The monster in my dreams only saw me as prey – but this wasn't him. 

This was Dimitri. He would never hurt me. Dimitri loved me.

And oh, how I loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you xxxxxxx


End file.
